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Shopping has become a favourite past time for young people. Why is that the case? Should they be encouraged to use their free time in a better way? v.1

Shopping has become a favourite past time for young people. Why is that the case? Should they be encouraged to use their free time in a better way? v. 1
Many young people spend their leisure time by going shopping with their friends. Affordability and peer pressure are the main things are to be blamed for this. I believe young minds should be guided in the right direction to make better use of their free hours. A relatively large number these young generations live a financially affluent life with the ability to buy anything for their comfort. The importance and value of money is something they are completely unaware of. Ignorantly they tend to spend on sophisticated things without giving a second thought. For example, taking their friends for shopping and spending lavishly on the expenses without any worries is typical of any youngster. Secondly, peer pressure is another reason for shopping for young people. For example, when a model of mobile phone with specialised features is launched recently, seeing one of their friends buying the phone triggers their urge to buy one for themselves. Even though it is not necessary, but to be part of their friends' group and stay up to date with others they purchase these products. By proper guidance, these young generation can learn to effectively spend their leisure hours. Works such as volunteering at the city library, working part-time at a nearby restaurant and, babysitting can teach some crucial life lessons such as time management, responsibility, and good citizenship. To conclude, young people should not consider shopping as a preferred choice to kill time. Although being affordable is favourable, youngsters should not take leverage on that. I believe instead of falling as prey to peer pressure, they should be guided to engage themselves in other forms of hobbies such as volunteering and working part-time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend their leisure time by going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
with their friends. Affordability and peer pressure are the main things are to
be blamed
for this. I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
minds should
be guided
in the right direction to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of their free hours.

A
relatively
large number these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a
financially
affluent life with the ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
anything for their comfort. The importance and value of money is something they are completely unaware of.
Ignorantly
they tend to spend on sophisticated things without giving a second
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
.
For example
, taking their friends for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
and spending
lavishly
on the expenses without any worries is typical of any youngster.

Secondly
, peer pressure is another reason for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

For example
, when a model of mobile phone with
Possible spelling mistake. 'specialised' is British English.
specialised
features
is launched
recently, seeing one of their friends buying the phone triggers their urge to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
one for themselves.
Even though
it is not necessary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to be part of their friends' group and stay up to date with others they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
these products.

By proper guidance, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation can learn to
effectively
spend their leisure hours. Works such as volunteering at the city library, working part-time at a nearby restaurant and, babysitting can teach
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
crucial life lessons such as time management, responsibility, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizenship.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should not consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
as a preferred choice to kill time. Although being affordable is
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
, youngsters should not take leverage on that. I believe
instead
of falling as prey to peer pressure, they should
be guided
to engage themselves in other forms of hobbies such as volunteering and working part-time.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Shopping has become a favourite past time for young people. Why is that the case? Should they be encouraged to use their free time in a better way? v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
279 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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