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For many young people today, shopping is their favourite free time activity. Why do you think this has happened? Should young people be encouraged to do different activities in their free time? v.3

For many young people today, shopping is their favourite free time activity. Why do you think this has happened? Should young people be encouraged to do different activities in their free time? v. 3
Nowadays, youngsters spend most of their free time in shopping or at least hanging out in shopping centres. This has been happening for many reasons, and in my opinion, both government and parents should encourage them to take part of different activities. One logic, why youngsters go shopping instead of getting involved in other activities is because for some of them their parents did not have time to take them anywhere to do something different, but they always have been with their parents after work to buy grocery and then back home. The second reasoning is that most of the activities, around them, have high fees and their parents cannot afford to subscribe them to them even though they would have a positive effect on both health and social skills of their young children. Another sense is that the government is investing money only on public services, so all parks and sport centres are dirty, frequented by drug dealers, which is the reasoning why parents do not want their children to go there. However, there are many other activities that parents can encourage their children to do, like reading books, taking part to volunteer activities, helping with the house works and helping the neighbourhood. To sum up, the reasons for young people spending their free time only in shopping centre are various and are almost unavoidable. However, good parents could find a way to get their children participating in other kinds of activities and the government invest more money on their green areas which should be clean and renovated.
Nowadays, youngsters spend most of their free time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
or at least hanging out in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
. This has been happening for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons, and in my opinion, both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should encourage them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
activities.

One logic, why youngsters go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
instead
of getting involved in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
did not have time to take them anywhere to do something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they always have been with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
after work to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
grocery and then back home.

The second reasoning is that most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, around them, have high fees and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
cannot afford to subscribe them to them
even though
they would have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on both health and social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of their young children.

Another sense is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is investing money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on public services,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
all parks and sport
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
are dirty, frequented by drug dealers, which is the reasoning why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do not want their children to go there.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can encourage their children to do, like reading books, taking part to volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, helping with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
works and helping the
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
.

To sum up, the reasons for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spending their free time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
are various and are almost unavoidable.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
could find a way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their children participating in other kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
invest more money on their green areas which should be clean and renovated.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay For many young people today, shopping is their favourite free time activity. Why do you think this has happened? Should young people be encouraged to do different activities in their free time? v. 3

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
259 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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