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Schools should do more to teach students about their health and wellbeing Do you agree or disagree v.2

Schools should do more to teach students about their health and wellbeing v. 2
Educational Institutes must educate pupils about the long term benefits they will enjoy by leading a healthy life. This essay agrees that school should include physical education subject in their curriculum in order to motive children to adapt healthy habits. Firstly, this essay will discuss the impact of developing healthy behaviour on the physical condition and immunity system of children. Secondly, this essay will discuss by playing sports games and doing exercises will help them to be active both bodily and mentally. By teaching students the importance of having a balanced and nutritious diet will not only enable them to get all the necessary vitamins and mineral essential in their growing age but also their body will be strong enough to fight against any diseases or infection such as heart diseases and stomach infections. Moreover, by eating fruits and vegetables will help to boost their energy and will improve their cognitive developement. As a result they will excel in academics and will build a successful and prosperous career in future. To elucidate, more than 50 percent of schools have initiated health education as a subject in order to teach children about the ways of leading a healthy life. Furthermore, engaging children in various sports activities will help them to be physically and mentally active. By doing regular exercise will help them to not to become a couch potato, that is spending their entire day sitting on chair either watching television or playing computer games. Instead they will go outside make new friends which will eventually improve their communication, social and leadership skills which are necessary in their work life. Additionally, by sweating daily will prevent them from deteriorating their health such as obesity, diabetes and spine problems. To conclude, I vehemently agree that schools must teach students about how to lead a health life, as they are the future generations and they should will be motivated to eat healthy and balanced diet and exercise daily in order to be physically and mentally fit and healthy.
Educational Institutes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
educate pupils about the long term benefits they will enjoy by leading a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
life. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
that school should include physical education subject in their curriculum in order to motive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to adapt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
habits.
Firstly
, this essay will discuss the impact of developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
on the physical condition and immunity system of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Secondly
, this essay will discuss by playing sports games and doing exercises will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to be active both
bodily
and mentally.

By teaching students the importance of having a balanced and nutritious diet will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
enable them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
all the necessary vitamins and mineral essential in their growing age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their body will be strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to fight against any diseases or infection such as heart diseases and stomach infections.
Moreover
, by eating fruits and vegetables will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to boost their energy and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their cognitive
Possible spelling mistake found.
developement
.
As a result
they will excel in academics and will build a successful and prosperous career
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
. To elucidate, more than 50 percent of schools have initiated health education as a subject in order to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about the ways of leading a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
life.

Furthermore
, engaging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in various sports activities will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to be
physically
and mentally active. By doing regular exercise will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them
One 'to' seems to be obsolete.
to not to
become a couch potato,
that is
spending their entire day sitting on chair either watching television or playing computer games.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Instead
they will go outside
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends which will
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their communication, social and leadership
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which are necessary in their work life.
Additionally
, by sweating daily will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from deteriorating their health such as obesity, diabetes and spine problems.

To conclude
, I
vehemently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
teach students about how to lead a health life, as they are the future
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
generations and
they
Two modal verbs connected. Did you mean: "should, will", "should" or "will"?
should will
be motivated
to eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
and balanced diet and exercise daily in order to be
physically
and mentally fit and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Schools should do more to teach students about their health and wellbeing v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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