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Some people satisfy on that foreign languages should be implemented in the curriculum of school. While, others are against it. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.1

Some people satisfy on that foreign languages should be implemented in the curriculum of school. While, others are against it. v. 1
Many people hold the opinion that older generations should take care of themselves in their old age, whereas other people have conflicting views and they think that it is the responsibility of a regime to provide the financial support required if a person is retired. While, in my viewpoint, it is very difficult to identify who should provide support and help older people in their difficult time. On the one hand, many people think there are multifarious reasons why the government is not the only one who should be responsible for supporting the older generations. Firstly, they think, that if a working person save enough money, which can be utilized during their egregious times or during the retirement than, they do not have to be dependent on anyone. This would be an ideal situation, and obviously, these old people can live comfortably, even if the government does not provide them the financial support. Moreover, if younger generations take care of their parents during their retirement, than older citizens do not need any support from anyone. Furthermore, the regime of incipient countries struggle with funds as they need to take care of other indispensable infrastructures such as better health facilities, proper roads for travel, in addition, proper schooling. On the contrary, other people argue with these facts. As per their understanding, the regime should keep some budget from the overall welfare budget to help and support the elderly people, undeniably, every citizen of a nation during their young age had helped in establishing society for the better living by paying the sufficient tax. Furthermore, nowadays, due to the high-level competition, there are not ample of jobs available in the market and especially younger people are the first choice of these jobs, because of the better qualifications and superior skill sets. Consequently, the situation becomes worse for the senior citizens, as it becomes strenuous for them to survive without money and therefore, left with no option except taking the help from the government. To recapitulate, looking at the above facts, it is hard to justify that whether only the regime should be accountable to help the senior people.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hold the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
generations should take care of themselves in their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age, whereas other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have conflicting
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
views and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is the responsibility of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regime
to provide the financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
required if a person
is retired
. While, in my viewpoint, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to identify who should provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their difficult time.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are multifarious reasons why the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one who should be responsible for supporting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
generations.
Firstly
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, that if a working person save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money, which can
be utilized
during their egregious times or during the retirement than, they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be dependent on anyone. This would be an ideal situation, and
obviously
, these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
comfortably
, even if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
does not provide them the financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
.
Moreover
, if younger generations take care of their parents during their retirement, than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
citizens do not need any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
from anyone.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regime
of incipient countries struggle with funds as they need to take care of other indispensable infrastructures such as better health facilities, proper roads for travel,
in addition
, proper schooling.
On the contrary
, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue with these facts.

As per their understanding, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regime
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
budget from the
overall
welfare budget to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
the elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
undeniably
, every citizen of a nation during their young age had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
in establishing society for the better living by paying the sufficient tax.
Furthermore
, nowadays, due to the high-level competition, there are not ample of jobs available in the market and
especially
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the
first
choice of these jobs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the better qualifications and superior
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
sets.
Consequently
, the situation becomes worse for the senior citizens, as it becomes strenuous for them to survive without money and
therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
with no option except taking the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

To recapitulate, looking at the above facts, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to justify that whether
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regime
should be accountable to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people satisfy on that foreign languages should be implemented in the curriculum of school. While, others are against it. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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