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Several times the employers ask the applicants applying for a job for some personal information like, their hobbies, interests and whether they are married or not. Some people feel it's necessary to ask such questions, whereas the others do not agree. In my opinion, It's a debatable issue. v.1

Several times the employers ask the applicants applying for a job for some personal information like, their hobbies, interests and whether they are married or not. Some people feel it's necessary to ask such questions, whereas the others do not agree. In my opinion, It's a debatable issue. v. 1
A plenty of people apply for the empty positions in companies, it's a tough task for an employer to choose the right candidate among many. However, the employers always seek to find the best candidate who suits a specific role required in their business. In order to grow from a company the interests and hobbies of its employees should be matched to their roles. Hence, it helps them to be passionate and dedicated towards their role in the organisation and also keep them concentrated during various tasks, which can create a major difference in the performance and the quality of services delivered by a corporation. Therefore, the interviewers ask candidates some personal questions regarding their interests and leisure activities, and their marital status. Furthermore, certain jobs require a contender to be committed and spending most of his time on working which is not possible for a person who is married. Consequently, they prefer a bachelor rather than a married employee. On the other hand, anybody with the essential background in the field and experience can perform diligently and the employers do not need to worry about the pastime activities, interests and other personal information of an employee, because it's private and doesn't impact the performance of an individual at the job. Furthermore, an employer just only needs a worker to be effort efficient and knowledgeable. In conclusion, I firmly believe that it's the fundamental right of an employer to know some specific details about the applicant which can possibly affect his performance on the job. However, it includes everything, whichever they feel is necessary, but it's totally up-to the job-seeker, whether he wants to share the information with the interviewer or not.
A
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
apply for the empty positions in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
a tough task for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
to choose the right candidate among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
always seek to find the best candidate who suits a specific role required in their business. In order to grow from a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
the interests and hobbies of its employees should
be matched
to their roles.
Hence
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to be passionate and dedicated towards their role in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them concentrated during various tasks, which can create a major difference in the performance and the quality of services delivered by a corporation.
Therefore
, the interviewers ask candidates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
personal questions regarding their interests and leisure activities, and their marital status.
Furthermore
, certain jobs require a contender to
be committed
and spending most of his time on working which is not possible for a person who
is married
.
Consequently
, they prefer a bachelor
rather
than a married employee.

On the other hand
, anybody with the essential background in the field and experience can perform
diligently
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
do not need to worry about the pastime activities, interests and other personal information of an employee,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
private and doesn't impact the performance of an individual
In English, people don't say "at the job". They say, 'on the job' or 'at work'. Did you mean "on the job" or "at work"?
at the job
.
Furthermore
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
needs a worker to be effort efficient and knowledgeable.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
the fundamental right of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
to know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
about the applicant which can
possibly
affect his performance on the job.
However
, it includes everything, whichever they feel is necessary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
totally
up-to the job-seeker, whether he wants to share the information with the interviewer or not.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Several times the employers ask the applicants applying for a job for some personal information like, their hobbies, interests and whether they are married or not. Some people feel it's necessary to ask such questions, whereas the others do not agree. In my opinion, It's a debatable issue. v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
282 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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