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Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists To what extent do you agree? v.1

Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists v. 1
In the past 100 years, scientists have escalated the technology to a new higher level. Increasing in the number of technology inventions has already appeared into the world and improved the life quality. Since after that, human start to enjoy spiritual pleasure such as music and art. There is a debate about whether scientists outweigh musicians and artists. I strongly agree that scientists gain more attention from public than others. A large number of technology achievements have surprised the world like the first step on the Moon and video call from mobile phone. Scientist are using technology not only to explore the universe but also improve the quality of daily life. The innovation of technology can be clearly seen in various field. For example, renewable energy starts to replace the oil and gas, people use phone to communicate with others instead of writing letter. In addition, scientists are trying to locate another plant which is suitable for human to survive in the future. Thus, scientists are a group of people who are really changing the world by using technology. By contrast, the contributions of musicians and artists are less obvious than scientists. Some musicians have created new styles of music, meanwhile, several masterpieces have produced by couple artists. However, the awareness of these activities is lower than the influence by technology. On the other hand, technology helps to improve the music and art in various ways, such as drawing robot and also help to compose melody efficiently in different style. In conclusion, compare to musicians and artists, scientists have more contributions to the world. Hence, public prefer to pay more attention to these experts, as scientists keep developing new technology to lead the world into a high-quality life.
In the past 100 years,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
have escalated the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
to a new higher level. Increasing in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
inventions has already appeared into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
the life quality. Since after that, human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to enjoy spiritual pleasure such as music and art. There is a debate about whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
outweigh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
gain more attention from public than others.

Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
A large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
achievements have surprised the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
like the
first
step on the Moon and video call from mobile phone.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Scientist
are using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to explore the universe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the quality of daily life. The innovation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
can be
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in various field.
For example
, renewable energy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to replace the oil and gas,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
phone to communicate with others
instead
of writing letter.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
are trying to locate another plant which is suitable for human to survive in the future.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
are a group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are
really
changing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
by using technology.

By contrast, the contributions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
are less obvious than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
have created new styles of music, meanwhile, several masterpieces have produced by couple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
.
However
, the awareness of these activities is lower than the influence by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the music and art in various ways, such as drawing robot and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to compose melody
efficiently
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
style.

In conclusion
, compare to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
have more contributions to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
Hence
, public prefer to pay more attention to these experts, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
developing new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
to lead the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
into a high-quality life.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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