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scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience. v.2

scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. v. 2
There is an argument that professionals from science and technology tend to be more admired by citizens than workers from the music industry and arts. Nevertheless, I completely disagree with this position due to the following reasons. To begin with, the salary gap between these professions is giant, since the most famous artists have millionaire salaries rather than regular payments as the majority of scientists and technology experts, as a consequence, they can afford a luxurious lifestyle that it is impossible for the average citizen. For instance, the earning of one Wesley Safadao's concert can pay four hundred monthly salaries of Brazilian's scientists as well as IT professionals. Moreover, having regular positions instead of being famous lead individuals to pay more taxes, as the art and music industries are free of taxes in many regions thanks to their popularity, as a result, science and technology workers regularly have their salaries limited by the government. Additionally, professionals of the arts are commonly loved by fans and the community, due to the popularity enhanced by their work on the media, consequently creating a lovely atmosphere to these individuals. For example, after losing a unborn baby, a well-known singer in Brazil received one million letters of support from the population, which would be unlikely to happen with a regular scientist. Furthermore, famous people generally win many presents from enterpreneurs as well as common individuals, because of their influence over fans which is rare among regular professions, consequently feeling more valuable than others. To conclude, I do believe that the society value more experts from the arts and music than the ones from different industries. Since not only do they earn higher salaries, but also are more popular than other professionals.
There is an argument that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
from science and technology tend to be more admired by citizens than workers from the music industry and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
Nevertheless
, I completely disagree with this position due to the following reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
gap between these professions is giant, since the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
artists have millionaire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
payments as the majority of scientists and technology experts, as a consequence, they can afford a luxurious lifestyle that it is impossible for the average citizen.
For instance
, the earning of one Wesley
Possible spelling mistake found.
Safadao
's concert can pay four hundred monthly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
of Brazilian's scientists
as well
as IT
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
.
Moreover
, having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
positions
instead
of being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
lead individuals to pay more taxes, as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and music industries are free of taxes in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
regions thanks to their popularity,
as a result
, science and technology workers
regularly
have their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
limited by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
by fans and the community, due to the popularity enhanced by their work on the media,
consequently
creating a lovely atmosphere to these individuals.
For example
, after losing
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
unborn baby, a well-known singer in Brazil received one million letters of support from the population, which would be unlikely to happen with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
scientist.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
generally
win
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
presents from
Possible spelling mistake found.
enterpreneurs
as well
as common individuals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their influence over fans which is rare among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
professions,
consequently
feeling more valuable than others.

To conclude
, I do believe that the society value more experts from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and music than the ones from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
industries. Since not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do they earn higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
are more popular than other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
.
19Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
The joy of knowing a foreign language is inexpressible. I find it really difficult to express such joy in my mother tongue.
Munia Khan

IELTS essay scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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