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Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree? v.3

Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. v. 3
In modern society every experts have a its own weighting. Some group of people believes that science experts has a more valued compared to artists. But I think in a reverse manner and my arguments are explained in the ensuing paragraphs. Science and technology are more essential in modern society. New discoveries in the field of technology is required to build the statues of notion across the world. Firstly, due to development in science and technology will result in increased the medical facility in the country. Furthermore, development in technology is also noticeable because many countries earn wealth by selling the technology another notion which does not have a resource for research and development. Society gives more respect to scientists because their discovery is directly related to the common public. Contribution of artist and musician have an equal importance in society. The basic role of a musician is to entertain the public. Entertainment is a basic necessity in a busy life because they released the stress and Feel relaxed. Arrange a live performance of world famous musicians to attract the tourist across the world which increase the earning for the tourist industries. To conclude, scientist and artists both have an equal importance in society because scientist may help for smooth life style with new innovation in technology while artists help us to release our stress sometimes, which is becoming an essential parameter for heart diseases.
In modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "expert"?
experts
have a its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
weighting.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believes that science experts has a more valued compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
Consider replacing "in a reverse manner" with the adverb for "reverse"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a reverse manner
and my arguments are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in the ensuing paragraphs.

Science and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
are more essential in modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. New discoveries in the field of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is required
to build the statues of notion across the world.
Firstly
, due to development in science and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
will result in increased the medical facility in the country.
Furthermore
, development in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is
also
noticeable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries earn wealth by selling the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
another notion which does not have a resource for research and development.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Society
gives more respect to scientists
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their discovery is
directly
related to the common public.

Contribution of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
and musician have an equal importance in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. The basic role of a musician is to entertain the public. Entertainment is a basic necessity in a busy life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they released the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
and


Feel relaxed. Arrange a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
performance of world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
musicians to attract the tourist across the world which increase the earning for the tourist industries.

To conclude
, scientist and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
both have an equal importance in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
scientist may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
for smooth life style with new innovation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to release our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, which is becoming an essential parameter for heart diseases.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
235 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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