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Scientists and technology expert seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Scientists and technology expert seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. v. 1
In this contemporary world, society believes that professionals who belong to science and technical fields are more influential than those who work in the entertainment sector such as, musicians and artists. In my opinion, I wholeheartedly agree with this perspective because these experts not only help in improving the lives of humans, but also provide assistance to save people in deadly situations whilst the entertainers are just for the purpose of entertainment. To embark with, scientists and technologists provide assistance to ameliorate the comfort level of mankind by their inventions. It implies that with the innovation of machines by engineers provide helping hand to common people in performing their routine works at home as well as in working areas efficiently in reduced time and with less human intervention. Consequently, the general public is able to perform multitasking with less human efforts. For instance, the robot is an epic innovation by technologists, which is the resemblance of human being and are helping the world in almost every field. Thus, it is proved that people involved in the technical field play a crucial role in making the lives of individuals simpler while the artists are just working for the amusement of the public. In addition to this, scientists play a vital role to save the world at the time of natural calamities. In other words, meteorologists can make predictions by their special invented numerous equipments about upcoming natural disasters like cyclones, hurricanes, earthquakes etcetera, and inform the government which enables the authorities to evacuate the persons from the specific areas. As a result, a huge number of people can be saved. For example, Palin was the most disastrous cyclone of Odisha state presence in India, which occurred in 2019 and professionals from the meteorology department inform the authorities seven days prior to that calamity and save the general public of that particular area. Hence, it is evident that ingenious inventions by engineers also save the life of inhabitants while musicians assist the public to spend their leisure time only. In conclusion, I reiterate my point that scientists and technologists have priority over entertaining stars in terms of value because of their imperative role in the life of mankind.
In this contemporary world, society believes that professionals who belong to science and technical fields are more influential than those who work in the entertainment sector such as, musicians and artists. In my opinion, I
wholeheartedly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this perspective
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these experts not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in improving the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
provide assistance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in deadly situations whilst the entertainers are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for the purpose of entertainment.

To embark with, scientists and technologists provide assistance to ameliorate the comfort level of mankind by their inventions. It implies that with the innovation of machines by engineers provide helping hand to common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in performing their routine works at home
as well
as in working areas
efficiently
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
time and with less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
intervention.
Consequently
, the
Consider using "public".
general public
is able to perform multitasking with less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
efforts.
For instance
, the robot is an epic innovation by technologists, which is the resemblance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
being and are helping the world in almost every field.
Thus
, it
is proved
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
involved in the technical field play a crucial role in making the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of individuals simpler while the artists are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
working for the amusement of the public.

In addition
to this, scientists play a vital role to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
save
the world at the time of natural calamities.
In other words
, meteorologists can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
predictions by their special invented numerous equipments about upcoming natural disasters like cyclones, hurricanes, earthquakes etcetera, and inform the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
which enables the authorities to evacuate the persons from the specific areas.
As a result
, a huge number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
be saved
.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Palin
was the most disastrous cyclone of Odisha state presence in India, which occurred in 2019 and professionals from the meteorology department inform the authorities seven days prior to that calamity and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
save
the
Consider using "public".
general public
of that particular area.
Hence
, it is evident that ingenious inventions by engineers
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
save
the life of inhabitants while musicians assist the public to spend their leisure time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.

In conclusion
, I reiterate my point that scientists and technologists have priority over entertaining stars in terms of value
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their imperative role in the life of mankind.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS essay Scientists and technology expert seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
366 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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