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Scientists agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think education will not work. v.4

Scientists agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think education will not work. v. 4
With the enhancement of society, the junk food market has expanded more massive than ever before. Experts claim that people are now negatively influencing their health by consuming a large amount of convenience food. Many people believe that raising awareness is essential to tackle this problem while others consider education as an ineffective measure. From my perspective, I determine that education will be efficient in this case. In many regions, where education is not highly respected, people do not often believe in the power of educating so that they find this way is more theoretical. For instance, some people are busy working so that they pay less attention to what they eat; as a result, they often consume food such as hamburger or pizzas, which contain lots of detrimental lipids. Therefore, consuming overwhelmingly can lead to many dangerous diseases. From my perspective, education plays an important role in supporting people to broaden their knowledge. People can create a better and a healthier menu in their daily meal. Especially when people are taught about food and a balanced diet, they are able to know what they need to absorb in order to have a proper diet. For instance, when they are not sure about their food, then they can ask nutritionists for further information about food. When advice is given, they can follow the instructions to have an appropriate diet. Secondly, education plays an essential part in helping people self - discipline in consuming food. People will be taught how and when to eat in the right way. For example, when they are educated when they about to eat, they are able to control and adjust themselves to their biological habits. Therefore, people can help themselves to select not only the right time, but also the right ingredients which are good for their health. To sum up, education plays an essential role in helping people to recognize the drawbacks of junk food. Therefore, consumers can raise awareness of what they should do to solve their own health problems.
With the enhancement of society, the junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
market has expanded more massive than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Experts claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
negatively
influencing their health by consuming a large amount of convenience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that raising awareness is essential to tackle this problem while others consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
as an ineffective measure. From my perspective, I determine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will be efficient
in this case
.

In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
regions, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is not
highly
respected,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
believe in the power of educating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they find this way is more theoretical.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are busy working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they pay less attention to what they eat;
as a result
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
consume
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
such as hamburger or pizzas, which contain lots of detrimental lipids.
Therefore
, consuming
overwhelmingly
can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
diseases.

From my perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to broaden their knowledge.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can create a better and a healthier menu in their daily meal.
Especially
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are taught
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and a balanced diet, they are able to know what they need to absorb in order to have a proper diet.
For instance
, when they are not sure about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, then they can ask nutritionists for
further
information about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. When advice is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
, they can follow the instructions to have an appropriate diet.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
plays an essential part in helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
self
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
discipline in consuming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
will
be taught
how and when to eat in the right way.
For example
, when they
are educated
when they about to eat, they are able to control and adjust themselves to their biological habits.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
themselves to select not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the right time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the right ingredients which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for their health.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
plays an essential role in helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to recognize the drawbacks of junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
Therefore
, consumers can raise awareness of what they should do to solve their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
health problems.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Scientists agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think education will not work. v. 4

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
337 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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