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Scientific research should be the responsibility of government rather than commercial organisations. Do you agree? v.1

Scientific research should be the responsibility of government rather than commercial organisations. Do you agree? v. 1
Scientific research is essential to find out the relative alternatives which can replace the outdated products and necessities. Many assert that government should be responsible for such experimentation as compared to commercial institutions. Although higher authorities can authorities can afford these researches, in my perspective, it would be much beneficial if the latter one conducts it. Profit-oriented Organizations can better perform the research process because of numerous reasons. Firstly, this is their area of subject. Undoubtedly, scientific researches can only conducted accurately by the experts of that area. To exemplify, all commercial organisations are specific in their fields like medical, engineering, etcetera. Hence, they can effectively proceed the research process and can obtain the desired output. Despite this, if commercial institutes such as schools and colleges would perform these activities, it would assist the new students on learning process. As these research works go through a number of stages so it would help the young ones in better understanding the each concept of their concerned subject. On the other hand, government should not be responsible for research in scientific procedures because they have already huge responsibility of maintaining the social needs. For instance, poverty and unemployment are the intensified issues in the most of the developing countries. Therefore, in this scenario, it is not possible for them to spend time in thinking process of implementation of such experiments. However, the only thing which they can do is to provide sufficient funds to develop the science lab that either may be within a commercial organisation or somewhere seperately. To conclude, according to my opinion, despite of throwing the huge responsibility of science related researches on higher authorities, they should only be responsible for providing the related funds and research should be done by commercial firms.
Scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
is essential to find out the relative alternatives which can replace the outdated products and necessities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
assert that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should be responsible for such experimentation as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
institutions. Although higher
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "authorities can".
authorities can authorities can
afford these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
researches
, in my perspective, it would be much beneficial if the latter one conducts it.

Profit-oriented Organizations can better perform the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
process
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of numerous reasons.
Firstly
, this is their area of subject.
Undoubtedly
, scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
researches
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
conducted
accurately
by the experts of that area. To exemplify, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisation' and 'organization') within a single text.
organisations
are specific in their fields like medical, engineering, etcetera.
Hence
, they can
effectively
proceed the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
process
and can obtain the desired output. Despite this, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
institutes such as schools and colleges would perform these activities, it would assist the new students on learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
process
. As these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
works go through a number of stages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the young ones in better understanding
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "each" is left.
the each
concept of their concerned subject.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should not be responsible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
in scientific procedures
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have already huge responsibility of maintaining the social needs.
For instance
, poverty and unemployment are the intensified issues in the most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
.
Therefore
, in this scenario, it is not possible for them to spend time in thinking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
process
of implementation of such experiments.
However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
thing which they can do is to provide sufficient funds to develop the science lab that either may be within a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisation' and 'organization') within a single text.
organisation
or somewhere
Possible spelling mistake found.
seperately
.

To conclude
, according to my opinion,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
throwing the huge responsibility of science related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
researches
on higher authorities, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be responsible for providing the related funds and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
should
be done
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
firms.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Scientific research should be the responsibility of government rather than commercial organisations. Do you agree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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