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Science advanced so much that It can now make it possible for people to live 100 years or even 200. some people think it is a good thing, other think that it is a bad thing. discuss both views and give your opinion v.2

Science advanced so much that It can now make it possible for people to live 100 years or even 200. some people think it is a good thing, other think that it is a bad thing. 2
One of the major contributions of science is in the field of medicine. Consequently, this has resulted in better health and longer life. This achievement has positive consequences as well as negative. I strongly believe that it has resulted in some serious threats in our society. Medical science has increased life expectancy from past couple of decades. People are healthier and fitter than ever and in addition to this, latest amenities are keeping people fit. Hence, Older generation are capable to work for longer years than before. First and foremost, this will keep them busy, and they will feel that they are making major contribution in society. secondly, they can support themselves financially and also would not be dependent on someone physically. However, with time cognitive skill and analytical skill of human beings deteriorate, they are not fast on making decision and scared to take risk. They are prone fall behind. In this new era of advanced technology, aged people don’t learn and fall behind On the other hand, this has also posed some serious threats. There are only limited vacations in offices. if older generation will work after 60, younger generation would not be hired by companies and corporation. This in turn increases stress, anxiety and depression. Companies will suffer too as youngsters are more energetic, have innovative and creative ideas. In addition to this, they are open to new learning and has hands-on experience of latest technologies. The world has changed, and technology is changing the way of business, either service or products. If you want to be at cutting edge ahead of others, you are forced to adapt to new ways. In conclusion, I think science achievement in respect of longer life span should be appreciated as this is major step forward. However, Increased life span will deprive new generation of their rights.
One of the major contributions of science is in the field of medicine.
Consequently
, this has resulted in better health and longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. This achievement has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
consequences
as well
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
. I
strongly
believe that it has resulted in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious threats in our society.

Medical science has increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy from past couple of decades.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are healthier and fitter than ever and
in addition
to this,
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
amenities are keeping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
fit.
Hence
, Older generation are capable to work for longer years than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
First
and foremost, this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them busy, and they will feel that they are making major contribution in society.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
secondly
, they can support themselves
financially
and
also
would not be dependent on someone
physically
.
However
, with time cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and analytical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
of human beings deteriorate, they are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
on making decision and scared to take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
. They are prone fall behind. In this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
era of advanced technology, aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
don’t learn and fall
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
behind


On the other hand
, this has
also
posed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious threats. There are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
limited vacations in offices.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
if
older generation will work after 60, younger generation would not
be hired
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and corporation. This in turn increases
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, anxiety and depression.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Companies
will suffer too as youngsters are more energetic, have innovative and creative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.
In addition
to this, they are open to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
learning and has hands-on experience of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
technologies. The world has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, and technology is changing the way of business, either service or products. If you want to be at cutting edge ahead of others, you
are forced
to adapt to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
ways.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
science achievement in respect of longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
span should
be appreciated
as this is major step forward.
However
, Increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
span will deprive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
generation of their rights.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Science advanced so much that It can now make it possible for people to live 100 years or even 200. some people think it is a good thing, other think that it is a bad thing. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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