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Schools should take more responsibility for the health of today’s children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.1

Schools should take more responsibility for the health of today’s children. with this statement? v. 1
Children these days have many options regarding food and physical activities. However, with little understanding of health issues, they do not always choose wisely, leading some to suggest that schools be held accountable for these kids’ health. While I agree that schools ought to do more to educate students regarding their health, I believe it is ultimately the parents’ duty to ensure their children’s well-being by guiding them toward a healthier lifestyle. A child’s parents are the first line of defense against obesity and disease. They ultimately make the decisions that affect their offspring’s long-term condition: they do the shopping, enroll their children in sports activities, and serve as role models at home. As such, they have to ensure that their children see and understand what is good for them and what is not. For example, parents who order pizza regularly teach their children that this is normal and that pizza is considered a quality meal. If, moreover, these parents do not exercise, neither will their children. Over time, these kids are more susceptible to illnesses as they will not have been properly conditioned to think of their own well-being, and because they view adults as responsible they simply copy their behaviours. Schools, on the other hand, are responsible for children’s education. They should therefore include health awareness classes in the curriculum and have mandatory daily physical education programs. That being said, schools have no control over what a child sees at home. Furthermore, as teachers have new students every year, they have no personal investment in each child’s fitness. These conditions make schools less influential in maintaining students’ wellness, and thus they cannot be held accountable when students sit on the couch all summer watching movies, or go to McDonald’s for dinner with their parents four times a week. In conclusion, schools have the power to educate students on proper nutrition and the importance of exercise. However, it is up to parents to reinforce this education by modeling a wholesome lifestyle for their children.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
these days have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
options regarding food and physical activities.
However
, with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
understanding of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues, they do not always choose
wisely
, leading
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
to suggest that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
be held
accountable for these kids’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
ought to do more to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
regarding their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, I believe it is
ultimately
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
duty to ensure their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
well-being by guiding them toward a healthier lifestyle.

A child’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
first
line of defense against obesity and disease. They
ultimately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the decisions that affect their offspring’s long-term condition: they do the shopping, enroll their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in sports activities, and serve as role models at home. As such, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
ensure that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
and understand what is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for them and what is not.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who order pizza
regularly
teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that this is normal and that pizza
is considered
a quality meal. If,
moreover
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do not exercise, neither will their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Over time, these kids are more susceptible to illnesses as they will not have been
properly
conditioned to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
well-being, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they view adults as responsible they
simply
copy their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
.

Schools,
on the other hand
, are responsible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education. They should
therefore
include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
awareness classes in the curriculum and have mandatory daily physical education programs. That
being said
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have no control over what a child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
at home.
Furthermore
, as teachers have new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
every year, they have no personal investment in each child’s fitness. These conditions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
less influential in maintaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
wellness, and
thus
they cannot
be held
accountable when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
sit on the couch all summer watching movies, or go to McDonald’s for dinner with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
four times a week.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have the power to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
on proper nutrition and the importance of exercise.
However
, it is up to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to reinforce this education by modeling a wholesome lifestyle for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Schools should take more responsibility for the health of today’s children. with this statement? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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