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Schools should focus on academic success and passing examinations. Skills such as cookery, dressmaking and woodwork should not be taught at school as it is better to learn these from family and friends. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Schools should focus on academic success and passing examinations. Skills such as cookery, dressmaking and woodwork should not be taught at school as it is better to learn these from family and friends. v. 1
It is believed that school systems should help children to have a good grasp of academic knowledge and succeed in formal examinations, whereas subjects such as cookery, dressmaking and woodwork which are unnecessary in the schools. I totally disagree with the point of view. Firstly, it is clear that each class has only a few high-flyers who can achieve the top of study, while the majority of children have just desired to make the grade. Consequently, if we concentrate only on academic subjects, a large number of children who fall behind with their studies would miss promotion opportunities because of the lack of other skills. Meanwhile, if schools organise more extra-curriculum activities to instruct children other necessary skills such as cooking and sewing and even repairing simple electrical items, they will have more choices to move up the career ladder after graduating. Secondly, children actually need more skills to live in harmony with others than completing examination in their class. In a sensible way, not all children have a supportive family in which they are taught skills to take care of themselves such as working mothers and single parent households. In formative years, If children are guided DIY skills, they are very influential in shaping children’s personality which enable them to be independent on expensive fast foods and even being ready to support their own parents. It is sure that only one place where many of children can study these important domestic skills is school. In conclusion, I totally disagree that we should follow the educational perspective which only concentrates on academic subjects and getting success in examinations. I believe that domestic skills is essential to be taught in schools
It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
systems should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grasp of academic knowledge and succeed in formal examinations, whereas subjects such as cookery, dressmaking and woodwork which are unnecessary in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. I
totally
disagree with the point of view.

Firstly
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that each
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
a few high-flyers who can achieve the top of study, while the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
desired to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the grade.
Consequently
, if we concentrate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
on academic subjects,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who fall behind with their studies would miss promotion opportunities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the lack of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. Meanwhile, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
more extra-curriculum activities to instruct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
other necessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as cooking and sewing and even repairing simple electrical items, they will have more choices to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
up the career ladder after graduating.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
actually need more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in harmony with others than completing examination in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
Consider replacing "In a sensible way" with the adverb for "sensible"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
In a sensible way
, not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a supportive family in which they
are taught
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to take care of themselves such as working mothers and single parent households. In formative years, If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are guided
DIY
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
influential in shaping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
personality which enable them to be independent on expensive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
foods and even being ready to support their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
parents.
In English, people don't say 'it is sure'. They say, 'it is certain that'. Did you mean "it is certain"?
It is sure
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
one place where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can study these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
is school.

In conclusion
, I
totally
disagree that we should follow the educational perspective which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
concentrates on academic subjects and getting success in examinations. I believe that domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
is essential to
be taught
in
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
schools
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Schools should focus on academic success and passing examinations. Skills such as cookery, dressmaking and woodwork should not be taught at school as it is better to learn these from family and friends. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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