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Schools should do more to teach students about their health and wellbeing Do you agree or disagree v.1

Schools should do more to teach students about their health and wellbeing v. 1
Information technology is one of the most important aspect of our life. And it is marching towards acme day by day, with high speed. But, as it has its pros, it also has its cons which affects our day to day living, at home as well as at work. I personally think, it is not as it looks like, and it has many positive things attached to it. Firstly, I would like to put light on the things, which we can do, by sitting in a house. There are many different works, which we can complete online, instead of going and standing in line. All types of bills like electricity, water, TV, and house rent can be paid from anywhere, in a click of a button. I Know a person, of age 65, who used to stand in line for all this work, no pay, all his bills in the house, sitting on a chair. Hence, information technology has abated all time and the extra efforts we used to put to complete this works. Moving further, we can also talk to people who are way far from us. For example, we can call as well as see them on mobile through Skype or what's up. It helped us to keep in touch with our loved once, even if they are away from us. There is a neighbour of mine, who talks to his daughter who is in Canada, on what's up video call. So the technology has also brought people closer even if they are far from you. Next is, there are many news channels, which shows every day news to us. The news keeps us updated about many things which in turn helps to improve our general knowledge. It is very easy to access news from our mobile. One can simply take out his mobile from a pocket, and by opening any application, can see live news. In conclusion, I would like to say that information technology has reduced our stress and frustration by making our day to day work easier and hence outweigh the disadvantages.
Information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of our life. And it is marching towards acme day by day, with high speed.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, as it has its pros, it
also
has its cons which affects our
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
living, at home
as well
as at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, it is not as it looks like, and it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
things attached to it.

Firstly
, I would like to put light on the things, which we can do, by sitting in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
works, which we can complete online,
instead
of going and standing in line. All types of bills like electricity, water, TV, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
rent can
be paid
from anywhere, in a click of a button. I Know a person, of age 65,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to stand in line for all this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, no pay, all his bills in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, sitting on a chair.
Hence
, information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has abated all time and the extra efforts we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to put to complete this works.

Moving
further
, we can
also
talk to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are way far from us.
For example
, we can call
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
them on mobile through Skype or what's up. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
once, even if they are away from us. There is a
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbour' is British English.
neighbour
of mine,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
talks to his daughter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is in Canada, on what's up video call.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has
also
brought
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
closer even if they are far from you.

Next
is, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
channels, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
every day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
to us. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
us updated about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things which in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our general knowledge. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easy to access
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
from our mobile. One can
simply
take out his mobile from a pocket, and by opening any application, can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
news.

In conclusion
, I would like to say that information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and frustration by making our
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
easier and
hence
outweigh the disadvantages.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Schools should do more to teach students about their health and wellbeing v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
347 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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