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Schools should do more to teach students about their health and wellbeing. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Schools should do more to teach students about their health and wellbeing. v. 2
Educational institutions have a vital role to play in educating the pupil about healthy habits and fitness. I completely agree with this statement. This essay will explain two fundamental activities that schools, who want their students to be healthier, can adopt and practise. Firstly, educational organisations should organise frequent health campaigns which can explain about human body anatomy and how and why different body parts are prone to various diseases. This can promote awareness among students, and they may become more health conscious thereby may also prevent themselves from various diseases. Moreover, they could also identify symptoms of ailments at early stages. For instance, in an experiment conducted by WHO on eye visibility of(among-it noun and not adjective) young children, it is proved that schools, who(which) had regular eye inspections, rendered 95% of students with perfect eyesight. On the contrary, schools who did not conduct such an activity comprised only 60% of pupil with better eye visibility. Another element that institutes can adopt is nutrition and diet (dietary) classes. This would help youngsters to understand how food habits contribute towards leading a healthy life. Maintaining balanced diet is the key to fitness, which is evident in the form of fit body and great physique. For example: The Japanese academic curriculum constitutes “Nutrition and Diet” as a mandatory subject in order to yield healthy future citizens, who are crucial elements for the development of the country. Hence, diseases like obesity, diabetes are scarcely found in this region. Furthermore, men and women in japan carry attractive physique due to their healthy etiquettes. In conclusion, in order to produce healthy population health education is an essential factor, and schools play a prominent role in impacting health of a nation provided they conduct fitness promotions and trainings. Therefore educational institutions should focus more on health sciences.
Educational institutions have a vital role to play in educating the pupil about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
habits and fitness. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
two fundamental activities that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
want their students to be healthier, can adopt and
Possible spelling mistake. 'practise' is British English.
practise
.

Firstly
, educational
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
should
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
frequent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
campaigns which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
about human body anatomy and how and why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
body parts are prone to various diseases. This can promote awareness among students, and they may become more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
conscious thereby may
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
themselves from various diseases.
Moreover
, they could
also
identify symptoms of ailments at early stages.
For instance
, in an experiment conducted by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WHO
on eye visibility of(among-it noun and not adjective) young children, it
is proved
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, who(which) had regular eye inspections, rendered 95% of students with perfect eyesight.
On the contrary
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
did not conduct such an activity comprised
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
60% of pupil with better eye visibility.

Another element that institutes can adopt is nutrition and diet (dietary) classes. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
youngsters to understand how food habits contribute towards leading a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
life. Maintaining balanced diet is the key to fitness, which is evident in the form of fit body and great physique.
For example
: The Japanese academic curriculum constitutes “Nutrition and Diet” as a mandatory subject in order to yield
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
future citizens,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are crucial elements for the development of the country.
Hence
, diseases like obesity, diabetes are
scarcely
found in this region.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women in japan carry attractive physique due to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
Possible spelling mistake found.
etiquettes
.

In conclusion
, in order to produce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
education is an essential factor, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
play a prominent role in impacting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of a nation provided they conduct fitness promotions and trainings.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
educational institutions should focus more on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
sciences.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Schools should do more to teach students about their health and wellbeing. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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