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In most of the societies, the role of mother and father differs. what are the causes of this difference? what will be the parental roles in future? v.1

In most of the societies, the role of mother and father differs. what are the causes of this difference? what will be the parental roles in future? v. 1
Family is the vital element of life and folks share a strong bond, good values and support each other during tough times. Family business is a common phenomenon since olden times as the members serve each other in every aspect. Therefore, many people think that it is ideal to do a business within the family. I think there are both pros and cons of doing an occupation run within clans which will be discussed further in the essay. First of all, family led professions has the foremost benefits for the children of the dynasty because they do not need to move out of their places in search of jobs. For instance, if a father is a car dealer then his child can pursue that work under his guidance if he wants. Moreover, there is no need of training as the members have years of experience. Thus, we can say that it is convenient to do trading within a clan run occupation. Second of all, there is a lesser need of making new clients as there are permanent clients who works with the firms and trust them. For example, it is quite easy to work in an already established firm rather than starting a new one with a complete novel strategy. Consequently, there is no doubt in saying that these types of deals are successful in many cases. On the flip side, there are many drawbacks of joining the dynasty businesses. Firstly, there will always be a comparison among the different generations as people have their own expectations. For instance, a son may have a different way of dealing with the customers and sometimes they even dislike his approach. Furthermore, individuals have the frequent tendency to follow the same person so, they would have problems in accepting the naive approaches of the younger generations which makes clan professions difficult to pursue many a times. In conclusion, it can be stated that executing businesses within the families is the nicest way to do a business, although there are certain disadvantages are also associated with it. Thus, one has to make the decision of his career with logical thinking and thorough analysis of the situation.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
is the vital element of life and folks share a strong bond,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
values and support each other during tough times.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is a common phenomenon since olden times as the members serve each other in every aspect.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is ideal to do a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are both pros and cons of doing an occupation run within clans which will
be discussed
further
in the essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
led professions has the foremost benefits for the children of the dynasty
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
out of their places in search of jobs.
For instance
, if a father is a car dealer then his child can pursue that work under his guidance if he wants.
Moreover
, there is no need of training as the members have years of experience.
Thus
, we can say that it is convenient to
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go trading".
do trading
within a clan run occupation. Second of all, there is a lesser need of making new clients as there are permanent clients who
Did you mean "work"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'clients' should be used.
works
with the firms and trust them.
For example
, it is quite easy to work in an already established firm
rather
than starting a new one with a complete novel strategy.
Consequently
, there is no doubt in saying that these types of deals are successful in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases.

On the flip side, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks of joining the dynasty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
.
Firstly
, there will always be a comparison among the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
generations as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
expectations.
For instance
, a son may have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
way of dealing with the customers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they even dislike his approach.
Furthermore
, individuals have the frequent tendency to follow the same person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, they would have problems in accepting the naive approaches of the younger generations which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
clan professions difficult to pursue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a time" or simply "times"?
a times
.

In conclusion
, it can
be stated
that executing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
is the nicest way to do a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
, although there are certain disadvantages are
also
associated with it.
Thus
, one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the decision of his career with logical thinking and thorough analysis of the situation.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In most of the societies, the role of mother and father differs. what are the causes of this difference? what will be the parental roles in future? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
362 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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