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Schools do not do enough to teach students about their health. Do you agree or disagree with this statement. v.2

Schools do not do enough to teach students about their health. v. 2
Educational institutes play a vital role in maintaining the health of the students. Some individuals assert that academies do not contribute enough to educate children about taking care of their physical and mental fitness. I strongly agree with the view. Irresponsible and money minded management of schools and neglect of physical education are the two main factors to support the argument. To commence with, school management does not warn canteens inside the campus to sell packaged and junk food items. Young children love fast food and they buy it without thinking about the consequences and administration allows to do so with an intention of earning more profit, even being known to detrimental effects of these on the children' s fitness. For example, in my school, all the confectioneries used to keep burgers, hot-dogs and fries and other fried eatables, which we had to buy in case of hunger because we had no option except these. So, schools are more oriented towards monetary gains rather than the health of teenagers. Moreover, physical education is largely ignored. Many educational organizations are only interested in increasing academic performance of their students and they are forced to live sedentary lifestyle due to a burden of homework. Even if there are dedicated hours for physical training, often, they are utilized properly. For example, my cousin is in higher secondary class and his school is enforcing mandatory ten hours classroom study and 4 hours work to do at home, which leaves no time to play. Thus, schools are failed to make students look after their health. To conclude, schools are not performing any action towards making the children to lead a healthy lifestyle, instead, they are more drawn towards their monetary benefits and academic records. If it continues so, soon, the young generation will suffer from major health problems.
Educational institutes play a vital role in maintaining the health of the students.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals assert that academies do not contribute
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about taking care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
and mental fitness. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the view. Irresponsible and money minded management of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and neglect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education are the two main factors to support the argument.

To commence with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
management does not warn canteens inside the campus to sell packaged and junk food items. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
food and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it without thinking about the consequences and administration
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
Did you mean "doing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'allow' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
with an intention of earning more profit, even
being known
to detrimental effects of these on the
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s fitness.
For example
, in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, all the confectioneries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
burgers, hot-dogs and fries and other fried eatables, which we had to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
in case of hunger
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we had no option except these.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are more oriented towards monetary gains
rather
than the health of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education is
largely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
educational organizations are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
interested in increasing academic performance of their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
students and
they
are forced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
sedentary lifestyle due to a burden of homework. Even if there
are dedicated
hours for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
training,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
, they
are utilized
properly
.
For example
, my cousin is in higher secondary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is enforcing mandatory ten hours classroom study and 4 hours work to do at home, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
no time to play.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are failed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
students look after their health.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are not performing any action towards making the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to lead a healthy lifestyle,
instead
, they are more drawn towards their monetary benefits and academic records. If it continues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
, the young generation will suffer from major health problems.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Schools do not do enough to teach students about their health. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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