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Schools do not do enough to teach students about their health. Do you agree or disagree with this statement. v.1

Schools do not do enough to teach students about their health. v. 1
Of late, more and more customers are moving to large shopping centres and malls rather than the small local shops, and this has forced these shops to close. In my opinion, this is a negative development which can make people lose their jobs and also it may affect the tourism. One serious problem that can arise from the denied of the small shops is that the competition between the small shops and the large shopping centres will disappear. As a result the large malls will stop providing discounts on the goods as they do not face competition; therefore, they will not reduce the prices. For example, malls offer discounts throughout the year to keep their customers away from the small shops. Thus, the closure of small shops will affect the customers. Another issue is that many people will lose their jobs and become unemployed. In other words, when the small shops close, people employed by them will lose their source of income, and that will put them in a difficult situation. For example, many families run small shops to earn their living. When they go out of business, their families will struggle to survive. Finally, the closure of small shops in some places will affect the tourism industry. Many tourists prefer the small shops in the streets instead of the big malls, and the reason behind this is that walking in an old beautiful street watching people doing performances and other people shopping is more joyous than being inside a large building of concrete. In conclusion, although it has become easier for people to do shopping in one large centre, the closure of small malls has brought too many problems for this to be considered a positive development.
Of late, more and more customers are moving to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
rather
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
, and this has forced these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
to close. In my opinion, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lose their jobs and
also
it may affect the tourism.

One serious problem that can arise from the denied of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
is that the competition between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
will disappear.
As a result
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
providing discounts on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
as they do not face competition;
therefore
, they will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the prices.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
offer discounts throughout the year to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their customers away from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
.
Thus
, the closure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
will affect the customers.

Another issue is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will lose their jobs and become unemployed.
In other words
, when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
close,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
employed by them will lose their source of income, and that will put them in a difficult situation.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families run
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
to earn their living. When they go out of business, their families will struggle to survive.

Finally
, the closure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
places will affect the tourism industry.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
tourists prefer the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
in the streets
instead
of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
, and the reason behind this is that walking in an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
street watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
doing performances and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is more joyous than being inside a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
building of concrete.

In conclusion
, although it has become easier for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
in one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
, the closure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
has brought too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems for this to
be considered
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay Schools do not do enough to teach students about their health. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
288 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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