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Schools concentrate far too much on traditional subjects which do not adequately prepare students for the realistic demands of the modern working world. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Schools concentrate far too much on traditional subjects which do not adequately prepare students for the realistic demands of the modern working world. v. 1
Schools have a special schedule about the subjects which have to teach. In this era, schools have adapted the technology with different subjects. In my opinion, schools have found a form to connect the traditional subjects with requirements of today. Students are taught subjects which provide to them general education. For example, students should be taught some subjects like history or chemistry so that they can have a basic level of philosophy. Educational system uses a new fashion of teaching which helps the students to develop skills which will be useful in the modern world. As a result, there is a connection between traditional subject and the modern form of work. This happens, when the teacher is assigned an exercise, he gives some guides how doing it and offers some tools in order to be easier and learn how to use on the Internet. However, the programme of discipline has changed and new subjects are introduced in schooling. On the other hand, people have to have a general philosophy, so that they can evaluate anything happens in their life. Students should have critical thinking which helps them to face personal and professional problems. If information focuses only how to prepare the students for real life, students will not have a general education. In this style, they will ignore part of traditional subjects. As a result, they will not have the necessary philosophy. In conclusion, the school system has to develop a new form of teaching students in order to acquire new skills. I strongly believe that traditional subjects have to remain in the schooling and new ways of teaching to develop.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
have a special schedule about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
teach. In this era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have adapted the technology with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have found a form to connect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
with requirements of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.

Students
are taught
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which provide to them general education.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
be taught
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like history or chemistry
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can have a basic level of philosophy. Educational system
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
fashion of teaching which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to develop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which will be useful in the modern world.
As a result
, there is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
and the modern form of work. This happens, when the teacher
is assigned
an exercise, he gives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
guides how doing it and offers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tools in order to be easier and learn how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
on the Internet.
However
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'programme' is British English.
programme
of discipline has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are introduced
in schooling.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
have a general philosophy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can evaluate anything happens in their life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
should have critical thinking which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to face personal and professional problems. If information focuses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
how to prepare the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for real life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will not have a general education. In this style, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
As a result
, they will not have the necessary philosophy.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
system
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
develop a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
form of teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in order to acquire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
remain in the schooling and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
ways of teaching
Did you mean "developing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'teach' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to develop
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Schools concentrate far too much on traditional subjects which do not adequately prepare students for the realistic demands of the modern working world. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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