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School teaching should focus on success on the workforce and less attention should be given to academic achievement, to what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

School teaching should focus on success on the workforce and less attention should be given to academic achievement, v. 2
It is a controversial issue as whether the teaching of school should be emphasized on children's advancement in mechanical training, or, whether it should concentrate on children academic success. From my perspective, I, holistically, disagree with the viewpoint that students have to spend less time on theoretical knowledge for preparing themselves as factory workers. To begin with, children, these days, endeavour to achieve success in their early age. This is because they think if they learn mechanical works such as refrigerator and air condition, maintaining, sewing of costumes, et Cetra at school, it would be easier for them to get a job. As a result, at an early age, they would become financially strong which helps them to bear the expense of their family members. However, teachers in school need less time to learn their students all these stuffs than academic subjects. For example, in Bangladesh, most of the schools spend one hour to teach mechanical works, whereas more than six hours, pupils require to cover their syllabus. Thus, preceptors should focus on academic subjects rather than on training courses. Similarly, students and teachers have to get the point that if they study academic subjects like art, science, and commerce, it would provide a better job opportunity in the long run. Besides, a mechanical engineer would earn less amount of money, while doctors, engineers, and software programmer would gain a huge amount of salary. This, invariably, could help them to achieve name and fame, and eventually, they will be recognized as a better person in the society. That is why, school teachers must spend a long hour teaching their students academic subjects. For instance, a student can cover mechanical subjects within a short time, and learns the ins and outs of that topic. On the contrary, they need to emphasize theory which requires more time. In conclusion, people believe that teenagers should emphasize on getting success through vocational courses which is key to success at an early age, while, I, diametrically, disagree with this statement. In fact, spending time on the academic syllabus brings more opportunity and worldly achievement in life.
It is a controversial issue as whether the teaching of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should
be emphasized
on children's advancement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mechanical
training, or, whether it should concentrate on children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. From my perspective, I,
holistically
, disagree with the viewpoint that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on theoretical knowledge for preparing themselves as factory workers.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, children, these days,
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in their early age. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
if they learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mechanical
works such as refrigerator and air condition, maintaining, sewing of costumes,
Possible spelling mistake found.
et
Possible spelling mistake found.
Cetra
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, it would be easier for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job.
As a result
, at an early age, they would become
financially
strong which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to bear the expense of their family members.
However
, teachers in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
need less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to learn their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
all these stuffs than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
For example
, in Bangladesh, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
spend one hour to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mechanical
works, whereas more than six hours, pupils require to cover their syllabus.
Thus
, preceptors should focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
rather
than on training courses.

Similarly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and teachers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the point that if they study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like art, science, and commerce, it would provide a better job opportunity in the long run.
Besides
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mechanical
engineer would earn less amount of money, while doctors, engineers, and software programmer would gain a huge amount of salary. This,
invariably
, could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to achieve name and fame, and
eventually
, they will
be recognized
as a better person in the society.
That is
why,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
teachers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
spend a long hour teaching their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
For instance
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
can cover
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mechanical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
within a short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, and learns the ins and outs of that topic.
On the contrary
, they need to emphasize theory which requires more time.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should emphasize on getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
through vocational courses which is key to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
at an early age, while, I,
diametrically
, disagree with this statement. In fact, spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
syllabus brings more opportunity and worldly achievement in life.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay School teaching should focus on success on the workforce and less attention should be given to academic achievement, v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
351 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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