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School teaching should focus on the success of the workforce and less importance should be given to academic acheivement. To what extent do you agree? v.1

School teaching should focus on the success of the workforce and less importance should be given to academic acheivement. v. 1
In this age, getting an education is highly essential. Some people believe that schools should pay more attention towards making students successful in the practical world rather than focussing on their academic achievements. However, I do not agree with this notion entirely because academic qualifications are the crux for securing good jobs and by adding degrees one gets to know more about a certain field. To start with, academic achievements are vital and act as a certificate to get a decent and highly paid job. The more one would be highly qualified, the more employment options would be available for them as a result their chances of flourishing are high. For instance, during interviews an applicant's resume is being seen and the most important thing in that is the education of the candidate. Those having spectacular academic records are given preference. Hence, it can be seen that degrees are very important to get good jobs. In addition to this, by taking more and more degrees, one gets more comfortable with the particular subject. As the one with increased number of degrees has more and in depth knowledge about specific things, the contribution of such employees would be more productive because they have spent years in gaining information about designated field. Therefore, they are fruitful for the organization they are working in, because the company would prosper more. A survey suggested that people having more educational achievements do get increased number of chances to succeed and they enjoy many privileges. To conclude, academic achievements are integral to secure a good post and they add on the knowledge of one.
In this age, getting an education is
highly
essential.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that schools should pay more attention towards making students successful in the practical world
rather
than focussing on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achievements
.
However
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion
entirely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
qualifications are the crux for securing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
jobs and by adding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degrees
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
to know more about a certain field.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achievements
are vital and act as a certificate to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
a decent and
highly
paid job. The more one would be
highly
qualified, the more employment options would be available for them
as a result
their chances of flourishing are high.
For instance
, during interviews an applicant's resume is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
and the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing in
that is
the education of the candidate. Those having spectacular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
records are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
preference.
Hence
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degrees
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
jobs.

In addition
to this, by taking more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degrees
, one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
more comfortable with the particular subject. As the one with increased number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degrees
has more and in depth knowledge about specific things, the contribution of such employees would be more productive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have spent years in gaining information about designated field.
Therefore
, they are fruitful for the organization they are working in,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
would prosper more. A survey suggested that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
having more educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achievements
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
increased number of chances to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
succeed and
they enjoy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
privileges.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achievements
are integral to secure a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
post and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
on the knowledge of one.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay School teaching should focus on the success of the workforce and less importance should be given to academic acheivement. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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