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School should concentrate on teaching students the academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers Subjects such as music and sports are not useful To what extend do you agree or disagree v.2

School should concentrate on teaching students the academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers Subjects such as music and sports are not useful v. 2
Some people believe that teaching academic subjects should be the principal aproach of schools to prepare students for better jobs in their future, while alternative subjects such as music and sports are considered as wasting time. Personally, I think that both types of subjects could be practical, and I therefore disagree with the statement that music and sports are not useful subjects. On the one hand, alternative courses could sometimes be helpful for future careers. For example, learning how to sing or play a musical instrument could bring benefits for students in networking events or having job promotions. My cousin once told me about his experience when he got a promotion as a marketing manager for his talent and bravery because he volunteered to perform a show at his company event for clients. Another course that I find helpful and essential is sports. In my opinion, sports could bring benefits to students because they help them to improve their strength to work under pressure or they could expand their professional network by playing sports with their colleagues or partners. On the other hand, schools should teach students academic subjects because they will help them to pursue their dreams on professional area. If students want to be scientists or biologists, they need to have basic knowledge of academic subjects such as mathematics, geography, biology, which should be taught at school before enrolling in universities or going to work. In my case, it took me around one year to study basic knowledge of Probality and Mathematical Statistics at highschool for pursuing my dream job as a Maket Researcher at university. In conclusion, academic subjects are essential for students, but subjects such as music and sports could be equally practical and helpful for different circumstances.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should be the principal
Possible spelling mistake found.
aproach
of schools to prepare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for better jobs in their future, while alternative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as music and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are considered
as wasting time.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that both types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
could be practical, and I
therefore
disagree with the statement that music and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are not useful subjects.

On the one hand, alternative courses could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
be helpful for future careers.
For example
, learning how to sing or play a musical instrument could bring benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in networking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
or having job promotions. My cousin once
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me about his experience when he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a promotion as a marketing manager for his talent and bravery
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he volunteered to perform a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
at his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
for clients. Another course that I find helpful and essential is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
could bring benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their strength to work under
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
pressure or
they could expand their professional network by playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
with their colleagues or partners.

On the other hand
, schools should teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to pursue their dreams on professional area. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
want to be scientists or biologists, they need to have basic knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as mathematics, geography, biology, which should
be taught
at school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
enrolling in universities or going to work. In my case, it took me around one year to study basic knowledge of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Probality
and Mathematical Statistics at
Possible spelling mistake found.
highschool
for pursuing my dream job as a
Possible spelling mistake found.
Maket
Researcher at university.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as music and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
could be
equally
practical and helpful for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
circumstances.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay School should concentrate on teaching students the academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers Subjects such as music and sports are not useful v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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