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Schools should concentrate on teaching students the academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers. Subjects such as music and sports are not useful. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Schools should concentrate on teaching students the academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers. Subjects such as music and sports are not useful. v. 1
It is sometimes argued that students performance in their future career are strongly influenced by what they have learnt in schools. While some people have a preference for concentrating on the irrelevant to students future jobs, I believe that learning extra curriculum subject will be beneficial in some extents. On the one hand, it is undeniable that school learners need to put more time on figure out what they need to do in the future. Some people want to be scientists or biologists, they need to have a basic academic subject such as mathematics, biology…which was taught in the high school before enrolling the universities or entering a job market. By mastering some aspects of your jobs, it was a time-saving for you to pursue the dreams on professional area, compared to those who did not acknowledge the essential of learning such subjects at schools. Moreover, those subjects equip learners with higher-level qualifications and boost their work performance, which is what most employers expect these days. On the other hands, people should be considered that extra curriculum subjects can also provided student with substantial skills and abilities that are transferable across their future occupations. By playing group sports, people may improve their interpersonal skills, in particular teamwork ability and leadership competency, whereas music appreciation s conductive in releasing people' s worries and refreshing their mind. Furthermore, the aim of education is not only helping students to successfully attain a job after they graduated, but also play an integral part of both physical and psychological aspects. In conclusion, although no one can negate benefits of teaching academic in schools, the potential merits of extra subjects should be considerable.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "students'" or "student's"?
students
performance in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
career are
strongly
influenced by what they have
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a preference for concentrating on the irrelevant to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, I believe that learning extra curriculum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
will be beneficial in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extents.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
learners need to put more time on figure out what they need to do in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to be scientists or biologists, they need to have a basic academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
such as mathematics, biology…which
was taught
in the high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
enrolling the universities or entering a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market. By mastering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
aspects of your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, it was a time-saving for you to pursue the dreams on professional area, compared to those who did not acknowledge the essential of learning such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
Moreover
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
equip learners with higher-level qualifications and boost their work performance, which is what most employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
these days.

On the other hands,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be considered
that extra curriculum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
can
also
provided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
with substantial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and abilities that are transferable across their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
occupations. By playing group sports,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
in particular
teamwork ability and leadership competency, whereas music appreciation s conductive in releasing
Possible spelling mistake found.
people&
#039; s worries and refreshing their mind.
Furthermore
, the aim of education is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
successfully
attain a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
after they graduated,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
play an integral part of both physical and psychological aspects.

In conclusion
, although no one can negate benefits of teaching academic in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, the potential merits of extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should be considerable.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Schools should concentrate on teaching students the academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers. Subjects such as music and sports are not useful. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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