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School should concentrate on teaching students the academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers Subjects such as music and sports are not useful To what extend do you agree or disagree v.1

School should concentrate on teaching students the academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers Subjects such as music and sports are not useful v. 1
Nowadays, it can be seen that the global population increase dramatically. Some of the Governments in the world give incentives to companies to relocate their industries and businesses in remote areas. However, none of these seem to solve the issue of congestion. The problems lie for employees, because most of them want to live close to their offices. I personally believe that lots of benefits will exceed the drawbacks if the companies move their operations to regional areas. Firstly, the industries and businesses are the main stimulus for the country’s economy. With some companies relocate their offices, some of the people will go outside the big cities. As a result, the people get better chances to secure jobs in a less competitive environment. Therefore, the financial and energy inequality can be reduced. Secondly, locate some factories in rural areas will make the city more liveable. For instance, Jakarta more liveable because some of the factories relocate their business and industries to some place in Central Java, it makes Jakarta congestion, poverty rate, and unemployment rate decrease. On the other hand, corporations may face some challenges during early transition. They must invest giant money in areas with low demand and it is not profitable for them. Moreover, employees will difficult to find adequate health and education facilities because most of the infrastructure is not sufficient. For example, some of my senior in a family feel difficult to find a suitable school for his first child and adversity to find the hospital for his wife's maternity. However, I think that this condition only induced small problems rather than the essential problems such as poverty and lack source of water. In conclusion, I think that the advantages of relocating industries and businesses in regional areas clearly outweigh any drawbacks. As long as businesses are willing to adapt, communities in big cities and regional areas will benefit from this change as well
Nowadays, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the global population increase
dramatically
.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
in the world give incentives to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to relocate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
in remote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
However
, none of these seem to solve the issue of congestion. The problems lie for employees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of them want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
close to their offices. I
personally
believe that lots of benefits will exceed the drawbacks if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
their operations to regional areas.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
are the main stimulus for the country’s economy. With
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
relocate their offices,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will go outside the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
cities.
As a result
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better chances to secure jobs in a less competitive environment.
Therefore
, the financial and energy inequality can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.
Secondly
, locate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
factories in rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the city more liveable.
For instance
, Jakarta more liveable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
factories relocate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
place in Central Java, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
Jakarta congestion, poverty rate, and unemployment rate decrease.

On the other hand
, corporations may face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
challenges during early transition. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
invest giant money in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
with low demand and it is not profitable for them.
Moreover
, employees will difficult to find adequate health and education facilities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of the infrastructure is not sufficient.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of my senior in a family feel difficult to find a suitable school for his
first
child and adversity to find the hospital for his wife's maternity.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this condition
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
induced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
problems
rather
than the essential problems such as poverty and lack source of water.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the advantages of relocating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
in regional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
clearly
outweigh any drawbacks. As long as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
are willing to adapt, communities in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
cities and regional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
will benefit from this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
as
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
well
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay School should concentrate on teaching students the academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers Subjects such as music and sports are not useful v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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