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Some people consider that school education should be concentrated on academic subjects, which would be helpful for their future careers, and subjects like music and sport are not useful. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people consider that school education should be concentrated on academic subjects, which would be helpful for their future careers, and subjects like music and sport are not useful. v. 1
Despite the medical development, the past decades still saw there was an increasing number of serious diseases. It is widely debated whether a doctor can withhold medical information from their patients. This essay will argue the reasons which doctors should inform the truth to their patients thoughtfully. It might be claimed that due to sympathetic reasons doctors can be allowed to not tell the truth to their patients, especially for those who are psychologically fragile. For instance, if a person hears that he gets cancer, he will be sad and depressed; additionally, for those who can’t accept it, they may commit suicide. Therefore, some believed that in order to prevent this tragedy, doctors can hold it back. Nevertheless, in fact, some patients are positive to fight against those diseases, though they know that they get a serious disease. Thus, the hypothesis which describes that patients are psychologically fragile to accept the truth is groundless. First of all, it is an undeniable fact that patients have the right to know the medical information. Owing to individual rights, doctors should not be allowed to withhold it. Furthermore, doctors inform them thoughtfully, which means that they can make a more comprehensive strategy to fight against it. Moreover, doctors tell them earlier, which means that the opportunity to conquer it will increase. In contrast, if doctors hold it back, those patients may lose the chances to get a better treatment. In addition to individual rights, because of moral bases, it is not acceptable that doctors hold it back. Doctors are liable to cure patients, to inform them their medical information, and to provide them suggestions which let them find a better treatment. Once they do not tell the truth to their patients, they will violate their liability. In conclusion, some take issue with the statement due to sympathy, while I strongly believe that informing that is necessary.
Despite the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
development, the past decades
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
there was an increasing number of serious diseases. It is
widely
debated whether a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctor
can withhold
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
information from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
. This essay will argue the reasons which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
should inform the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
truth
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
thoughtfully
.

It might
be claimed
that due to sympathetic reasons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
truth
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
,
especially
for those who are
psychologically
fragile.
For instance
, if a person hears that he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
cancer, he will be sad and depressed;
additionally
, for those who can’t accept it, they may commit suicide.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believed that in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
this tragedy,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
can hold it back.
Nevertheless
, in fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
to fight against those diseases, though they know that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a serious disease.
Thus
, the hypothesis which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describes
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
are
psychologically
fragile to accept the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
truth
is groundless.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is an undeniable fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
have the right to know the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
information. Owing to individual rights,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to withhold it.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
inform them
thoughtfully
, which means that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a more comprehensive strategy to fight against it.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
them earlier, which means that the opportunity to conquer it will increase.
In contrast
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
hold it back, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
may lose the chances to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a better treatment.

In addition
to individual rights,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of moral bases, it is not acceptable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
hold it back.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Doctors
are liable to cure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
, to inform them their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
information, and to provide them suggestions which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them find a better treatment. Once they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
truth
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
patients
, they will violate their liability.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
take issue with the statement due to sympathy, while I
strongly
believe that informing
that is
necessary.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people consider that school education should be concentrated on academic subjects, which would be helpful for their future careers, and subjects like music and sport are not useful. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
313 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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