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Some people consider that school education should be concentrated on academic subjects, which would be helpful for their future careers, and subjects like music and sport are not useful. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people consider that school education should be concentrated on academic subjects, which would be helpful for their future careers, and subjects like music and sport are not useful. v. 2
An infant’s future life is successful or not, it all depends on what the child studied and learnt in his or her school. This is why some people think it is more imperative for children to study academic subjects than physical, psychological subjects. Personally, I completely disagree with this point of view Firstly, STEM ( science, technology, engineering and mathematics) only will cultivate the child’s mind in a highly robotic way. Calculating and analysing may raise students’s intelligent but emotion (like EQ) which will not be considered as creative and dynamic for the youngsters. One study found that the ones who took non-academic subjects as options in school curriculum increased their IQ and EQ scores by 2. 5 points compared with who did not have those lessons. Hence, for those who do not take physical or music education will create a lower rate of being recruited. Secondly, education liberty is a privilege of school-takers, though music or art subjects are not compulsory subjects but one thing is certain, most of pupils would make these fun objects no longer be optional subjects if they have authority to do so. Education should be geared to the students’s needs and abilities so that school will become their second home where they can express themselves more comfortably. As a result, youngsters are informed with constitutional, applicable and essential information and skills and are prepared with superior qualities to function as individual members of society which is necessary for their future career. Overall, it is true that further and higher education requires academic qualification. However, for a better future career, school curriculum should include both sides of educating, academic and non-academic courses
An infant’s future life is successful or not, it all depends on what the child studied and
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. This is why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is more imperative for children to study academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
than physical, psychological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
Personally
, I completely disagree with this point of view

Firstly
, STEM
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
science, technology, engineering and mathematics)
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
will cultivate the child’s mind in a
highly
robotic way. Calculating and
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
may raise
Did you mean "student’s" or "students’"?
students’s
intelligent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
emotion (like EQ) which will not
be considered
as creative and dynamic for the youngsters. One study found that the ones who took non-academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
as options in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum increased their IQ and EQ scores by 2. 5 points compared with who did not have those lessons.
Hence
, for those who do not take physical or music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will create a lower rate of
being recruited
.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
liberty is a privilege of school-takers, though music or art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are not compulsory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
one thing is certain,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the pupils") or simply say "most pupils".
most of pupils
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
these fun objects no longer be optional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
if they have authority to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
should
be geared
to the
Did you mean "student’s" or "students’"?
students’s
needs and abilities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
will become their second home where they can express themselves more
comfortably
.
As a result
, youngsters
are informed
with constitutional, applicable and essential information and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
are prepared
with superior qualities to function as individual members of society which is necessary for their future career.

Overall
, it is true that
further
and higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
requires academic qualification.
However
, for a better future career,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum should include both sides of educating, academic and non-academic courses
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people consider that school education should be concentrated on academic subjects, which would be helpful for their future careers, and subjects like music and sport are not useful. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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