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School leavers go travelling or working before they go directly to university. Is this a positive or negative development? v.1

School leavers go travelling or working before they go directly to university. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1
Some people believe that governments have no duty to help senior citizens because that is their own responsibility. In my opinion, I completely disagree with the idea that taking care of the elderly is not the affair of state. Firstly, pensioner does not have the ability to live by themselves. Because of the old age, they are vulnerable, thus, a number of diseases are inevitable. According to the research of English scientists, nearly a quarter of the quantity of the elderly suffer from more than 2 aging-associated diseases such as cancer, diabetes, or Alzheimer's disease. Consequently, the senior citizens need not only the money, but also the state's help to deal with these chronic conditions. Secondly, a large figure of elderly people does not have the opportunities to support for their retirement. Due to the poor circumstance in the past, incalculable sum of people could not access to the standard living condition, education when they were adolescents. Hence, being an adult with no knowledge was extremely difficult for them to acquire for a job. As a result, an enormous total of old people became a burden or homeless and money was a luxurious thing that they cannot achieve. Moreover, being street people means they are easily infected with many diseases and they do not have enough budget afford to cure these sort of conditions. In conclusion, a lot of elderly people are not able to take care of themselves, therefore, I believe that the state should support them with the medical care and financial support.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
have no duty to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
senior citizens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
that is
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
responsibility. In my opinion, I completely disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that taking care of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
is not the affair of state.

Firstly
, pensioner does not have the ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
by themselves.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age, they are vulnerable,
thus
, a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
are inevitable. According to the research of English scientists,
nearly
a quarter of the quantity of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
suffer from more than 2 aging-associated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
such as cancer, diabetes, or Alzheimer's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
.
Consequently
, the senior citizens need not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the state's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to deal with these chronic conditions.

Secondly
, a large figure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
does not have the opportunities to support for their retirement. Due to the poor circumstance in the past, incalculable sum of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could not access to the standard living condition, education when they were adolescents.
Hence
, being an adult with no knowledge was
extremely
difficult for them to acquire for a job.
As a result
, an enormous total of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
became a burden or homeless and money was a luxurious thing that they cannot achieve.
Moreover
, being street
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
means
they are
easily
infected with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
diseases and
they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
budget afford to cure
Did you mean "this sort" or "these sorts"?
these sort
of conditions.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not able to take care of themselves,
therefore
, I believe that the state should support them with the medical care and financial support.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay School leavers go travelling or working before they go directly to university. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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