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Art classes like painting and drawing is important to students’ development and it should be compulsory in high school. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Art classes like painting and drawing is important to students’ development and it should be compulsory in high school. v. 1
Globalisation has pushed the expectations of working individuals from themselves and this phenomenon have further enhanced enhanced the competition for a decent job. As a result, both the parents have to work for better lifestyle and survival. However, the above condition leads to the argument that in the absence of the parents, who can prove to be better guardian, the grandparents or family members of the ward or the professional services like child care. I will discuss both the viewpoint in following paragraphs respectively, and I will try to reach a pragmatic conclusion. First and foremost thing a child would rejoice is the company of the known ones with whom the ward has some attachment. A child grows better and mentored fairly with his or her kin. To raise a child is a great responsibility and the future of a family and the nation depends on the care, love and education one has received in the childhood. For example, grandparent knows the special needs or the requirements of a particular child as eating habits, food choices, allergy concerns or medical conditions. Thus the environment provided by family can not be compared with any stranger as neither they have a strong relationship or the bonding with the ward nor they are fully capable to fulfil the needs of the child. On the other hand, the advantages of child care are numerous and they cannot be overlooked for example the staff at the child care centre is extremely professional and trained. They know the protocols to be followed in certain conditions. A recent survey conducted by a university in Canada has shed light upon the fact that ninety percent of child care is declared safe and has the capability of countering any difficulty regarding a child and are equipped with all the necessity to help the parents to have a sigh of ease while being at work. In addition to this twenty of those were found able to take care of a child with special needs. Hence, child care centres can be considered as a reliable place for upbringing of one's child. To sum up I could say every child is special in itself and whereas a child gets warmth and empathy while being raised at home with family on the other hand employee at care centre has special knowledge and expertise to do the job and in my opinion first preference ought to be given to the family and in case they are not available then one must rely on the public services.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Globalisation' is British English.
Globalisation
has pushed the expectations of working individuals from themselves and
The verb 'have' is plural. Did you mean: "this phenomenon has"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this phenomenon have
further
Possible typo: you repeated a word
enhanced enhanced
the competition for a decent job.
As a result
, both the parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work for better lifestyle and survival.
However
, the above condition leads to the argument that in the absence of the parents, who can prove to be better guardian, the grandparents or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members of the ward or the professional services like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
. I will discuss both the viewpoint in following paragraphs
respectively
, and I will try to reach a pragmatic conclusion.

First
and foremost thing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
would rejoice is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
of the known ones with whom the ward has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
attachment. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
grows better and mentored
fairly
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
kin. To raise a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
is a great responsibility and the future of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and the nation depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and education one has received in the childhood.
For example
, grandparent knows the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
special
needs or the requirements of a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
as eating habits, food choices, allergy concerns or medical conditions.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the environment provided by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
can not
be compared
with any stranger as neither they have a strong relationship or the bonding with the
Use a comma before 'nor' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
ward nor
they are
fully
capable to fulfil the needs of the child.

On the other hand
, the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
numerous and
they cannot
be overlooked
for example
the staff at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
is
extremely
professional and trained. They know the protocols to
be followed
in certain conditions. A recent survey conducted by a university in Canada has shed light upon the fact that ninety percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
is declared
safe and has the capability of countering any difficulty regarding a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
and
are equipped
with all the necessity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the parents to have a sigh of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
while being at work.
In addition
to this twenty of those
were found
able to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
special
needs.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
can
be considered
as a reliable place for upbringing of one's child.

To sum up I could say every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
special
in itself and whereas a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
warmth and empathy while
being raised
at home with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
on the other hand
employee at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
special
knowledge and expertise to do the job and in my opinion
first
preference ought to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and in case they are not available then one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
rely on the public services.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Art classes like painting and drawing is important to students’ development and it should be compulsory in high school. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
422 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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