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Some school leavers tend to go travelling or work for a period of time before going to university directly. what do you think are the advantages and disadvantages v.2

Some school leavers tend to go travelling or work for a period of time before going to university directly. what do you think are the advantages and disadvantages v. 2
Nowadays, a bunch of students after leaving schools have a tendency to travel or work for a period of time before directly enrolling in universities. This essay is to outline the possible drawbacks as well as potential benefits of this problem. On the one hand, it is obvious that relaxing or finding a job after leaving high schools brings students a considerate number of advantages. It could be explained that students find it easier to get hands-on experience through travelling or working. Moreover, they are likely to be better at social and interpersonal skills. To illustrate, people interact with others more frequently, especially their colleges, directors, … will succeed in communication skills. Besides, they do not only easily enrich their knowledge and broaden their horizons but they can also have an opportunity to see the world. On the other hand, the drawbacks of a gap period between high schools and universities are inevitable. That is because it is the likelihood for students to forget certain academic knowledge. So that it takes time to keep up with their peers. Additionally, they possibly lose motivation to continue getting into universities. The reason can be cited is that after a period of time of working, they become attached to their jobs. For instance, promotion opportunities enable them to stay in their job and keep delaying their educational path. In conclusion, despite the fact that working or relaxing for a period of time before attending universities provide students with real experiences in their mature stages, it may cause detrimental outcomes to pursuit higher education.
Nowadays, a bunch of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
after leaving schools have a tendency to travel or work for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
directly
enrolling in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
. This essay is to outline the possible drawbacks
as well
as potential benefits of this problem.

On the one hand, it is obvious that relaxing or finding a job after leaving high schools brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
a considerate number of advantages. It could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
find it easier to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hands-on experience through travelling or working.
Moreover
, they are likely to be better at social and interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. To illustrate,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
interact with others more
frequently
,
especially
their colleges, directors, … will succeed in communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Besides
, they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
easily
enrich their knowledge and broaden their horizons
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can
also
have an opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the world.

On the other hand
, the drawbacks of a gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
between high schools and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
are inevitable.
That is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is the likelihood for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to forget certain academic knowledge.
“So that” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So that
it takes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with their peers.
Additionally
, they
possibly
lose motivation to continue getting into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
. The reason can
be cited
is that after a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of working, they become attached to their jobs.
For instance
, promotion opportunities enable them to stay in their job and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
delaying their educational path.

In conclusion
, despite the fact that working or relaxing for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with real experiences in their mature stages, it may cause detrimental outcomes to pursuit higher education.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some school leavers tend to go travelling or work for a period of time before going to university directly. what do you think are the advantages and disadvantages v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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