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School aged students should be taught how to manage money. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

School aged students should be taught how to manage money. v. 1
Nowadays, The school aged students are show-off their things such as living standards and the amount of money and compare with their classmates of their school. From my point of view, I believe that the school children must teach that how to manage money by their parents and teachers. I completely agree with my statement. Firstly, In the school age kids, Their minds grown up with their knowledge and their behaviour in themselves for the rest of their life. Therefore, I suggest that there should be include finance as a subject to teach them how to manage money and from that, what are the pros and cons for themselves, their families and for our society too. Furthermore, Even if the written examination is not conducted for this subject, But mock base exams, oral viva or PPT presentation is must consider at the end of the year. So, Students must prepare themselves for this examination. Secondly, In these subject of how to manage money, The major importance includes study these topics are from their teachers and from their parents. Because, In present time, The social media is a platform under which have so many marketing products and these companies, who brainwash the adolescent and harm their minds in the negative ways. The children buy unnecessary products which have not any use in their life. Such as, Smartphones, Smartwatch, X-box, Play station and many more. Moreover, Students ran after the showcase themselves to look different apart from their batch mates. It also impact malign on their a bringing as a child. On the other hand, I personally believe these parents that they have to control the spending amount of money with their children on the non productive things. Parents must have to converse with their children and learn them proper guidance on these topics. To conclude, I completely agree with those people who said that the subject of how to handle/manage money as a finance includes in the school students compulsory. I totally agree with them.
Nowadays, The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
-off their things such as living standards and the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and compare with their classmates of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. From my point of view, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
teach that how to manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and teachers. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with my statement.

Firstly
, In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
age kids, Their minds grown up with their knowledge and their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in themselves for the rest of their life.
Therefore
, I suggest that there should be
Consider using the past participle "included"?
include
finance as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
to teach them how to manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and from that, what are the pros and cons for themselves, their families and for our society too.
Furthermore
, Even if the written examination is not conducted for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
mock base exams, oral viva or PPT presentation is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
consider at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the year.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
prepare themselves for this examination.

Secondly
, In these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
of how to manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, The major importance includes study these topics are from their teachers and from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, In present time, The social media is a platform under which have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
marketing products and these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, who brainwash the adolescent and harm their minds in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
ways. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
unnecessary products which have not any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in their life. Such as, Smartphones, Smartwatch, X-box, Play station and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
ran after the showcase themselves to look
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
apart from their batch mates. It
also
Did you mean "impacts"?
impact
malign on
Did you mean "there"?
their
a bringing as a child.
On the other hand
, I
personally
believe these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
control the spending amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on the
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
non productive
things.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
converse with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and learn them proper guidance on these topics.

To conclude
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who said that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
of how to handle/manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a finance includes in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
compulsory. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with them.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay School aged students should be taught how to manage money. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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