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Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers. Do you think money is the driving force behind hard work? v.4

Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers. Do you think money is the driving force behind hard work? v. 4
Some companies of today hiring that employees who are hungry for cash by which firms think that these employees will do their task dedicately. But according to me, money is not only the driving force behind hard work which I will discuss in further paragraphs. To initiate with, Money is a that thing which pushes some peoples to do the hard work because everybody need money to survive in this modern era. But money is not only one thing due to which people will do hardships and companies have no need to recruit people because of reason of money. For example, Many persons in this world are doing hard work and also their wages are very low from which it is clear that they are not doing endeavour for only payment. In addition to it, If companies are hiring persons by giving them more wages and hope that they will do their work with full dedication then there is no warranty that they will do their job with loyalty. Because these kind of people first priority is money not the firm due to which there are chances that if anybody offering them money to do illegal work then they would ready for it because of which company reputation will come into danger. So, there is no need to hire people only because of the money factor to dedicate. To conclude, the hardware does not depend upon money. It depends on person dedication and loyalty. So, the company needs to recruit that persons who are well educated and hard workers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
hiring that employees who are hungry for cash by which firms
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these employees will do their task
Possible spelling mistake found.
dedicately
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
according to me,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
the driving force behind
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
which I will discuss in
further
paragraphs.

To initiate with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is a that thing which pushes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
to do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everybody
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to survive in this modern era.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
one thing due to which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will do hardships and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
have no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to recruit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of reason of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
in this world are doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
also
their wages are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
low from which it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that they are not doing
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
payment.

In addition
to it, If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are hiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
by giving them more wages and hope that they will do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with full dedication then there is no warranty that they will do their job with loyalty.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
first
priority is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
not the firm due to which there are chances that if anybody
The pronoun 'anybody' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "offers", "offered".
offering
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to do illegal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
then they would ready for it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
reputation will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, there is no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
factor to dedicate.

To conclude
, the hardware does not depend upon
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. It depends on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
dedication and loyalty.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to recruit that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
who are
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well educated
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
workers.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers. Do you think money is the driving force behind hard work? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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