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Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated worked do you think money is the driving force behind hard work what factor should be taken into consideration when recruit staff for sales position. v.1

Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated worked do you think money is the driving force behind hard work what factor should be taken into consideration when recruit staff for sales position. v. 1
Nowadays, it has been observed that numerous parents think that giving physical punishment to their kids is a good approach to keep them in discipline. However, I completely disagree with this approach. First of all, some people think that if they award punishment to their kids, it will create fear in their mind and it is the best way to keep them under control. It may be true to some extent, but that lasts only for shorter duration. Frequent physical punishment by the teachers or guardians affects the child brain badly and they start living in a state of fear. So, instead of keeping them in discipline, children fall into bad activities and it affects their personality and behaviour. In some cases, it is seen that kids are committing suicides because of the fear. In the long run, approaches like talking to them politely and understanding the reasons for their undisciplined behaviour can be easily solved by having a healthy conversation with them and making them comfortable in sharing information with parents freely. As, child mind is like a clay which can be moulded in any form, with having a healthy state of a mind, not only they follow the discipline but also broaden their intellectual skills. For example, In India, many schools have given strict instructions to the teachers for not using smacking of any form, whatsoever be the reason. As a result, it has increased the overall status To conclude, smacking should be completely banned and other methods should be adopted to keep children under control.
Nowadays, it has
been observed
that numerous parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that giving physical punishment to their kids is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
approach to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them in discipline.
However
, I completely disagree with this approach.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that if they award punishment to their kids, it will create fear in their mind and it is the best way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them under control. It may be true to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that lasts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for shorter duration. Frequent physical punishment by the teachers or guardians affects the child brain
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
badly and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
living in a state of fear.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
instead
of keeping them in discipline, children fall into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
activities and it affects their personality and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that kids are committing suicides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the fear.

In the long run, approaches like talking to them
politely
and understanding the reasons for their undisciplined
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
can be
easily
solved by having a healthy conversation with them and making them comfortable in sharing information with parents
freely
. As, child mind is like a clay which can be
Possible spelling mistake found.
moulded
in any form, with having a healthy state of a mind, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
they follow the discipline
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
broaden their intellectual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For example
, In India,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
schools have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
strict instructions to the teachers for not using smacking of any form, whatsoever be the reason.
As a result
, it has increased the
overall
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
status


To conclude
, smacking should be completely banned and other methods should
be adopted
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
children under control.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated worked do you think money is the driving force behind hard work what factor should be taken into consideration when recruit staff for sales position. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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