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Salary is the major factor considered while choosing the job. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Salary is the major factor considered while choosing the job. v. 1
Financial compensation is a highly essential matter that the employee should consider before accepting a job. Although monthly payment is one of the reasons why people work, I believe that performing his job in a safe environment and personal development are the most crucial aspect. Plenty of reasons explain why wages play an important role in selecting a job. First of all, people work to meet their daily necessity, such as paying accommodations and household expenses. Therefore, well-paid jobs are required to ensure their prosperity. Secondly, many families have a sole-money maker having responsibility for all family members. In Indonesia for instance, many households are economically dependent on the head of families. This makes those responsible financially ought to carry out profitable job. Nevertheless, there are other aspects that are highly essential to be put into account prior to accepting a job. Firstly, people should think about workplace security as this can affect their safety. High-rise-window washers, for example, receive high salaries, but their profession poses risk to their life. Secondly, people have to think about whether workplaces are the best place to develop their skills to become a better person. The good working environment is where it is occupied by the people, motivating and supporting each other. As a result, a worker could be a well-developed personality as well as having a trusted colleague. To sum up, I believe that monthly payment is an important factor that people should consider while deciding to take a job since they have many responsibilities. However, the most essential factors a worker should take into consideration are their safety and self-development.
Financial compensation is a
highly
essential matter that the employee should consider
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
accepting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Although monthly payment is one of the reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work, I believe that performing his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in a safe environment and personal development are the most crucial aspect.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Plenty
of reasons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why wages play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in selecting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their daily necessity, such as paying accommodations and household expenses.
Therefore
, well-paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are required
to ensure their prosperity.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families have a sole-money maker having responsibility for all family members. In Indonesia
for instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
households are
economically
dependent on the head of families. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
those responsible
financially
ought to carry out profitable job.

Nevertheless
, there are other aspects that are
highly
essential to
be put
into account prior to accepting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about workplace security as this can affect their safety. High-rise-window washers,
for example
, receive high salaries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their profession poses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to their life.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about whether workplaces are the best place to develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to become a better person. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
working environment is where it
is occupied
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, motivating and supporting each other.
As a result
, a worker could be a well-developed personality
as well
as having a trusted colleague.

To sum up, I believe that monthly payment is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should consider while deciding to take a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
since they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
responsibilities.
However
, the most essential factors a worker should take into consideration are their safety and self-development.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Salary is the major factor considered while choosing the job. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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