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S1 Which one of the following qualities do you think is the most important for a university student: highly-motivated, hard-working or intelligent? v.1

S1 Which one of the following qualities do you think is the most important for a university student: highly-motivated, hard-working or intelligent? v. 1
The upbringing of children plays a vital role in the overall development of an adolescent. Although, some people believe that the educational institutions along, with education should also teach good behaviour to their students others contradict that it is the responsibility of the parents to teach discipline to their children. In my view, it is should be a joint responsibility of the teachers and parents to groom the children. To begin with, parents are a role model for their children. The behaviour of the parents directly can influence the adolescent. If the parents set the right example at home, this would help in developing the same traits in a child. To illustrate, if parents do recycling of products, he could help in creating awareness in his child, which would encourage the child to follow the same. In addition, the personality of a person is also a reflection of the culture he follows. This is something that a child learns at home. For example, in my culture, it is important to greet the adults with respect, hence, we normally touch the feet of the adults, which shows respect towards them. However, children also spend a good amount of time in school. The institutions can also play a role in educating the children by adding courses as a part of their curriculum. If the children have courses defined, it would teach and educate the child. This would help in developing good characteristics in the behaviour of the adolescent. To conclude, it is vital for both the parents and the teachers to educate the children. A joint effort will help in the overall development of the personality of the adolescent. A good grooming will only be beneficial for the children in a long run of life.
The upbringing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
plays a vital role in the
overall
development of an adolescent. Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the educational institutions along, with education should
also
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
to their students others contradict that it is the responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to teach discipline to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In my view, it
Did you mean "it"?
is
should be a joint responsibility of the teachers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to groom the children.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are a role model for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
directly
can influence the adolescent. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
set the right example at home, this would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in developing the same traits in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. To illustrate, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go recycling".
do recycling
of products, he could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in creating awareness in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
, which would encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
to follow the same.
In addition
, the personality of a person is
also
a reflection of the culture he follows. This is something that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
learns at home.
For example
, in my culture, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to greet the adults with respect,
hence
, we
normally
touch the feet of the adults, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
respect towards them.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
also
spend a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
amount of time in school. The institutions can
also
play a role in educating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by adding courses as a part of their curriculum. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have courses defined, it would teach and educate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. This would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
characteristics in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of the adolescent.

To conclude
, it is vital for both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and the teachers to educate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. A joint effort will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in the
overall
development of the personality of the adolescent. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
grooming will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a long run of life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay S1 Which one of the following qualities do you think is the most important for a university student: highly-motivated, hard-working or intelligent? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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