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In the past, sports champions used to be motivated by the desire to win a match or to break the world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What message does this send to young people an v.1

In the past, sports champions used to be motivated by the desire to win a match or to break the world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What message does this send to young people an v. 1
Some school of thought asserts that parents are the best tutor that children have throughout in their whole lives. I strongly agree with the statement because they teach many lessons pertaining to their practical aspects. Also, they give them a piece of advices in the form of short stories during their childhood, which play an essential role in the building of a positive attitude. To begin with, guardians present a multitude of lessons to their sons and daughters in different modes, that educate them to understand the concept of morality, to help the poor, how to survive in the world, their traditions and cultures. Because they know, they are the role model of their offsprings. So, they adopt good habits in order to give positive things to them and they become respectful citizens. As a result, parental character considered to be a better instructor. Furthermore, children also do the same things as their parents have done. Likewise; if guardians are sophisticated and well mannered, they also display similar qualities in front of the societies. Therefore, they tell them, how to speak, how to walk when they are crawling, and the ways they enhance their cognitive skills. For instance, a psychologist, Dr. Murphy and his assistant, revealed that there was a profound difference in the performance of two pupils, one was upbringing under the surveillance of his parents and the other was in the childcare, the first one was far better than the other. Similarly, they know about the strength and the weakness of their offsprings. They buy books about that subject and tell their boys or girls in term of tales. This leads to improve their performance. They expand their brain, by attuning them to new concepts. In conclusion, parents become the most effective instructor to educate its child, because they deeply know him. Also, they easily grasp their mind and apply the relevant strategy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
asserts that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the best tutor that children have throughout in their whole
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they teach
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
lessons pertaining to their practical aspects.
Also
, they give them a piece of advices in the form of short stories during their childhood, which play an essential role in the building of a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitude.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, guardians present a multitude of lessons to their sons and daughters in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
modes, that educate them to understand the concept of morality, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the poor, how to survive in the world, their traditions and cultures.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they know, they are the role model of their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they adopt
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habits in order to give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
things to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them and
they become respectful citizens.
As a result
, parental character considered to be a better instructor.

Furthermore
, children
also
do the same things as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have done.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Likewise
; if guardians
are sophisticated
and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well mannered
, they
also
display similar qualities in front of the societies.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
them, how to speak, how to walk when they are crawling, and the ways they enhance their cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For instance
, a psychologist, Dr. Murphy and his assistant, revealed that there was a profound difference in the performance of two pupils, one was upbringing under the surveillance of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and the other was in the childcare, the
first
one was far better than the other.

Similarly
, they know about the strength and the weakness of their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
books about that subject and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
their boys or girls in term of tales. This leads to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their performance. They expand their brain, by attuning them to new concepts.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
become the most effective instructor to educate its child,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
deeply
know him.
Also
, they
easily
grasp their mind and apply the relevant strategy.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay In the past, sports champions used to be motivated by the desire to win a match or to break the world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What message does this send to young people an v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
315 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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