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Recently published figures show that the wildlife population around the world has decreased by around fifty per cent over the last fifty years. What can we do to help protect the wildlife round the world? v.4

Recently published figures show that the wildlife population around the world has decreased by around fifty per cent over the last fifty years. What can we do to help protect the wildlife round the world? v. 4
There is no doubt these days the animals are contributing an important part in our earth. However, there is a huge decrease in the numbers of the animal world wild. Is considered one of the most controversial issues today. In this essay I am going to examine this phenomenon and suggest many solutions at the end. First of all, we need to understand the causes to lead us to the best solutions. However, from my opinion the main causes of the reduction of the wildlife numbers is the burning of forests. A good example of illustrate that is Australia forests burned, that lead to increased amounts of CO2 in the air, which kills the animals. In addition, the lake of food, so many animals are suffering after the fire eats most of the plants in the forest, which lead them to starving to death. However, the fire some time is happening by natural causes. Moreover, it is also possible to say that some of the animals are exposed to some virus. For example, China there are many animals exposed to corona virus which make them sick for a long time and then dying. Furthermore, in some countries there is no enough water, there is no sea at all, so the wildlife is responsible to search for their own water which considered also one of the causes. However, the animal health is the first priority among the all reasons of death. Finally, there are a number of solutions we could implement it to protect our wildlife as we can maintain a good environment with enough air and light. Also, impose stricter punishment to prevent people from hunting the rare kind of animals as well as the other peaceful animals. Moreover, periodic animals checks up and vaccinate them against the very common virus, that killing them. We must take these measurements to reduce the rate of death wildlife in the world.
There is no doubt these days the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are contributing an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part in our earth.
However
, there is a huge decrease in the numbers of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
world wild.
Is considered
one of the most controversial issues
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. In this essay I am going to examine this phenomenon and suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
solutions at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, we need to understand the causes to lead us to the best solutions.
However
, from my opinion the main causes of the reduction of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wildlife
numbers is the burning of forests. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of illustrate
that is
Australia forests burned, that lead to increased amounts of CO2 in the air, which kills the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
.
In addition
, the lake of food,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are suffering after the fire eats most of the plants in the forest, which lead them to starving to death.
However
, the fire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time is happening by natural causes.

Moreover
, it is
also
possible to say that
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are exposed
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
virus.
For example
, China there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
exposed to
The term "coronavirus" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
corona virus
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them sick for a long time and then dying.
Furthermore
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries there is no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
water, there is no sea at all,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wildlife
is responsible to search for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
water which considered
also
one of the causes.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
health is the
first
priority among the all reasons of death.

Finally
, there are a number of solutions we could implement it to protect our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wildlife
as we can maintain a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
environment with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
air and light.
Also
, impose stricter punishment to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from hunting the rare kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
as well
as the other peaceful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
.
Moreover
, periodic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checks
up and vaccinate them against the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
common virus, that killing them. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take these measurements to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the rate of death
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wildlife
in the world.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Recently published figures show that the wildlife population around the world has decreased by around fifty per cent over the last fifty years. What can we do to help protect the wildlife round the world? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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