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Rate of diabetes and obesity are increasing in many countries around the world Some people think that governments should ban soft drinks and sugary snack from schools To what extend do you agree or disagree with this proposal v.1

Rate of diabetes and obesity are increasing in many countries around the world Some people think that governments should ban soft drinks and sugary snack from schools with this proposal v. 1
A lot of people feel that family has greater responsibility towards a child growth and development. I totally agree with this statement as no one can possess control over a child’s life as much as their parents. First of all, a child trust his/her family more than anything in this world. In other words, most of the time, children’s safety and care are ensured by their parents, as a result they obey their parents a lot. In addition, infants spend most of their time with their family, which means they have more potential of learning skills and lessons from their parents rather than any of the friends or TV. For instance, it is proven that parents dedicate most of their hour lessening positive behaviour among their small ones, but in terms of friends, there are chances that they may spread negativity in them. Secondly, in children’s life, parents are permanent whereas friends, including entertainment are uncertain in their upcoming days. During childhood, meeting new friends as well as losing a lot of them is certain. So, children’s have less possibility of getting help which means they rarely learn things from their companions needed for their positive development. Furthermore, family members like father and mother are known as experienced and well grown adults that means unlike their friends, parents can really show their children the right way. For example, 80% of students in primary schools face bullying and more than 50% of these situations are often handled by their family. In conclusion, I strongly believe that family really has a better influence in a child’s life as they always try to spread positive attitudes to their loved ones and always stick by their side.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has greater responsibility towards a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
growth and development. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement as no one can possess control over a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
life as much as their parents.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
trust his/her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
more than anything in this world.
In other words
, most of the time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
safety and care
are ensured
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
as a result
they obey their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
a lot.
In addition
, infants spend most of their time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, which means they have more potential of learning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and lessons from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
rather
than any of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
or TV.
For instance
, it
is proven
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
dedicate most of their hour lessening
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
among their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
ones,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, there are chances that they may spread negativity in them.

Secondly
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are permanent whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, including entertainment are uncertain in their upcoming days. During childhood, meeting new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
as well
as losing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
them is certain.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
have less possibility of getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
which means they rarely learn things from their companions needed for their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members like father and mother
are known
as experienced and well grown adults that means unlike their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the right way.
For example
, 80% of students in primary schools face bullying and more than 50% of these situations are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
handled by their family.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
really
has a better influence in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
life as they always try to spread
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitudes to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones and always stick by their side.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Rate of diabetes and obesity are increasing in many countries around the world Some people think that governments should ban soft drinks and sugary snack from schools with this proposal v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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