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Rate of diabetes and obesity are increasing in many countries around the world Some people think that governments should ban soft drinks and sugary snack from schools To what extend do you agree or disagree with this proposal v.2

Rate of diabetes and obesity are increasing in many countries around the world Some people think that governments should ban soft drinks and sugary snack from schools with this proposal v. 2
With the growing amount of diabetes as well obesity rate. Some individuals believe that governments should step in and ban sugary consumable goods from school’s ground. I completely agree that there should be a control over sugary consumable goods, such as soft drink or sugary snack. There is no doubt that over consumption is one of the cause of obesity as well as diabetes. Sugar is widely known to be favor among some eaters, so naturally by keep consuming a large amount of sugar can be addictive. Eventually, sugar addict lead onto over consumption which later can cause obesity, follow by diabetes vice versa. For example, there are several studies suggest that soft drinks, which are naturally overly sweeten, have a potential risk to cause obesity along with diabetes. Moreover, there are a concern about kids’ obesity and diabetes rate. Lately, the rate of children’s obesity and diabetes has arisen. School should step in and take action on these particular matters. For instant, by halting on any sugary consumption good can decrease the chance of getting diabetes or obesity. School can also educate their children on how unhealthy is it to be a subject to both obesity and diabetes, especially in children. With that being said, school should provide a advices on these matters too. In conclusion, sugary consumption goods, such as soft drink or sugary snacks, have can be the cause of both diabetes and obesity. With the rising amount of obesity and diabetes in people of all age, it might be logical if government take action on this matter seriously. Because, both obesity and diabetes can greatly effect population health in long run.
With the growing amount of diabetes
as well
obesity rate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should step in and ban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugary
consumable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school’s
ground. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that there should be a control over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugary
consumable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
, such as soft drink or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugary
snack.

There is no doubt that over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumption
is one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
of obesity
as well
as diabetes. Sugar is
widely
known to be favor among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
eaters,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
naturally
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
consuming a large amount of sugar can be addictive.
Eventually
, sugar addict lead onto over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumption
which later can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
obesity, follow by diabetes vice versa.
For example
, there are several studies suggest that soft drinks, which are
naturally
overly
sweeten, have a potential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
obesity along with diabetes.

Moreover
, there are a concern about kids’ obesity and diabetes rate. Lately, the rate of children’s obesity and diabetes has arisen.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
should step in and take action on these particular matters. For instant, by halting on any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumption
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
can decrease the chance of getting diabetes or obesity.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
can
also
educate their children on how unhealthy is it to be a subject to both obesity and diabetes,
especially
in children. With that
being said
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should provide
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a advice" or simply "advices"?
a advices
on these matters too.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumption
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
, such as soft drink or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugary
snacks, have can be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
of both diabetes and obesity. With the rising amount of obesity and diabetes in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of all age, it might be logical if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
take action on this matter
seriously
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, both obesity and diabetes can
greatly
effect population health in long run.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Rate of diabetes and obesity are increasing in many countries around the world Some people think that governments should ban soft drinks and sugary snack from schools with this proposal v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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