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Question: More and more young people from wealthy countries are spending a shore time in communities in poorer countries doing unpaid work such as teaching or building houses. Why? Who benefit from this? v.2

Question: More and more young people from wealthy countries are spending a shore time in communities in poorer countries doing unpaid work such as teaching or building houses. Why? Who benefit from this? v. 2
These days, it is an increasing trend that youngsters, who from affluent nations, take a year off to work at developing countries as volunteers. There are several reasons to this trend and it is my personal that both local communities and young people reap the benefits from this. To begin with, a growing number of youngsters spend a short time to volunteer at less affluent countries because of several reasons. Firstly, it is evident that working at other countries is an effective way to learn about these cultures. This allows them to expose to the new environment and acquire a great deal of knowledge, which they could not learn from books or teachers. Secondly, I would content that doing unpaid jobs is better way to help the poor than giving them financial incentives. If they suddenly received a huge subsidies, then it would liable that they will spend these on money on shopping rather than putting their children to schools or renovating their houses. From my perspective, this trends is beneficial for both the locals and young adults from developed countries. On community scale, unpaid jobs obviously bring economic prosperity for indigenous communities since it costs them nothing. The local authorities, thus, could spend their budget in other key fields, such as infrastructure or health care sector. In addition, local children are given opportunities to access to the free education as well as poverty-stricken people are provided new houses. On abroad volunteer scale, doing unpaid jobs enable them to acquire hand-on experience. In particular, volunteering requires those youngster to collaborate with others from different backgrounds, making them learn some vital soft skills and fostering mutual understanding. It goes without saying that there are a growing number of youngster, who from wealthy countries, choosing to do voluntary jobs in less affluent countries due to several reasons and this trend also will bring benefits for the local simultaneously.
These days, it is an increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
that youngsters, who from affluent nations, take a year off to work at developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
as volunteers. There are several reasons to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
and it is my personal that both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
communities and young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
reap the benefits from this.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, a growing number of youngsters spend a short time to volunteer at less affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of several reasons.
Firstly
, it is evident that working at other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
is an effective way to learn about these cultures. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to expose to the new environment and acquire a great deal of knowledge, which they could not learn from books or teachers.
Secondly
, I would content that doing unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
is
Please check whether an article is missing: "a better".
better
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the poor than giving them financial incentives. If they
suddenly
received a huge
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "subsidy"?
subsidies
, then it
It seems that a verb or adverb has been misspelled or is missing here.
would liable
that they will spend these on money on shopping
rather
than putting their children to schools or renovating their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
.

From my perspective, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
is beneficial for both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
locals
and young adults from developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. On community scale, unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
obviously
bring economic prosperity for indigenous communities since it costs them nothing. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
authorities,
thus
, could spend their budget in other key fields, such as infrastructure or health care sector.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
children are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
opportunities to access to the free education
as well
as poverty-stricken
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are provided
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
. On abroad volunteer scale, doing unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
enable them to acquire hand-on experience.
In particular
, volunteering requires those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youngster
to collaborate with others from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
backgrounds, making them learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
vital soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and fostering mutual understanding.

It goes without saying that there are a growing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youngster
, who from wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, choosing to do voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in less affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
due to several reasons and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
also
will bring benefits for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
simultaneously
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Question: More and more young people from wealthy countries are spending a shore time in communities in poorer countries doing unpaid work such as teaching or building houses. Why? Who benefit from this? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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