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Question: More and more young people from wealthy countries are spending a shore time in communities in poorer countries doing unpaid work such as teaching or building houses. Why? Who benefit from this? v.1

Question: More and more young people from wealthy countries are spending a shore time in communities in poorer countries doing unpaid work such as teaching or building houses. Why? Who benefit from this? v. 1
The number of buildings being constructed are growing rapidly. In certain cities, the government has less control over the planning and architecture of residential and corporate buildings which are constructed according to peoples own preference. In my perspective, the negative implications of it are higher than its positives. To be begin with, people construct a building without considering any future aspects. They do not consider about any future development which might happen around the place. Besides that, people try to occupy nearby places as well illegally that later becomes disputed land and cause obstruction for growth in coming years. For illustration, many residents in Mumbai city have settled in the isolated area where the highway was supposed to be constructed. This shows that, the development of the city becomes difficult when individuals build homes on their own. Similarly, poorly planned large office buildings causes traffic congestion. It was observed in the past that, corporate giants take over land from poor people and build shopping malls and offices. This is done without looking at the traffic flow from that area. This aggravates the situation as, soon after the completion of the building, the number of vehicles going from that area increases because people will come there for the job. For example, construction of the Twin Towers in Pune city's outskirts has caused major traffic jam regularly as planners did not have visibility of vehicles flowing from that area. Therefore, government's approval must be taken to avoid blockage. In conclusion, I strongly believe that, although the number of new buildings are growing at a fast pace, however, they should be made only after approval from the system. Otherwise, it will have demerits in future growth and traffic. If such practise continues, natural calamities can happen like earthquake or flood.
The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
being constructed
are growing
rapidly
. In certain cities, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has less control over the planning and architecture of residential and corporate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
which
are constructed
according to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
preference. In my perspective, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
implications of it are higher than its positives.

To be
Consider using a past participle here: "begun".
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
construct a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
without considering any future aspects. They do not
Did you mean simply "consider any"? You do not need the word "about" here.
consider about any
future development which might happen around the place.
Besides
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
try to occupy nearby places
as well
illegally
that later becomes disputed land and cause obstruction for growth in coming years. For illustration,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
residents in Mumbai city have settled in the isolated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
where the highway
was supposed
to
be constructed
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that, the development of the city becomes difficult when individuals build homes on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.

Similarly
,
poorly
planned large office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
congestion. It
was observed
in the past that, corporate giants take over land from poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and build shopping malls and offices. This
is done
without looking at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
flow from that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
. This aggravates the situation as,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
after the completion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
, the number of vehicles going from that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
increases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
there for the job.
For example
, construction of the Twin Towers in Pune city's outskirts has caused major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
jam
regularly
as planners did not have visibility of vehicles flowing from that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's approval
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
to avoid blockage.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that, although the number of new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buildings
are growing at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
pace,
however
, they should
be made
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
after approval from the system.
Otherwise
, it will have demerits in future growth and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
. If such
Possible spelling mistake. 'practise' is British English.
practise
continues, natural calamities can happen like earthquake or flood.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
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IELTS essay Question: More and more young people from wealthy countries are spending a shore time in communities in poorer countries doing unpaid work such as teaching or building houses. Why? Who benefit from this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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