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q2 Which person has helped you the most to get where you are today and how he or she helped you? Use examples to support your response. v.1

q2 Which person has helped you the most to get where you are today and how he or she helped you? Use examples to support your response. v. 1
The education system has been revolutionized and many subjects are available to study. Many opine that the youngsters must study all the subjects, while others think they should choose a course of study that interests them or they have a command over it. In my opinion, every part of the syllabus should be studied. In this contemporary era, every aspect of life demands innovations to ease the human life. The teenagers must study the whole curriculum to choose any field in later life. As an illustration, my niece studied all the subjects. Although at the younger age she was interested in science, she selected arts later on as it was more attractive to her. In addition, youngsters can learn many at a time because their brain can absorb all the information effectively as compared to adults. Hence, availability of career choices in later life and picking up things easily at a young age are the factors that teenagers must study all subjects. If people opt for things that interest them, they can work efficiently as compared to others. Similarly, the youngsters must choose subjects which interests them. To illustrate, my sister always had an interest in dance. So, she was able to focus in such field. Because of that, she is now a proficient contended dancer and an inspiration for others. Therefore, to excel in professional life, the course of interest must must be chosen. To conclude, an old education system is superseded by a new one in this modern era. It is a belief of many that the youth must study all the subjects. However, others think that they should select those subjects which they find interesting or the subjects they are best at. In my view, all subjects must be studied.
The education system has
been revolutionized
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are available to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
opine that the youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they should choose a course of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interests
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them or
they have a command over it. In my opinion, every part of the syllabus should
be studied
.

In this contemporary era, every aspect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
demands innovations to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
the human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
the whole curriculum to choose any field in later
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. As an illustration, my niece studied all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. Although at the younger age she
was interested
in science, she selected arts later on as it was more attractive to her.
In addition
, youngsters can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
at a time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their brain can absorb all the information
effectively
as compared to adults.
Hence
, availability of career choices in later
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and picking up things
easily
at a young age are the factors that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
all subjects.

If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opt for things that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
them, they can work
efficiently
as compared to others.
Similarly
, the youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interests
them. To illustrate, my sister always had an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
in dance.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, she was able to
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "focus".
focus in
such field.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of that, she is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
a proficient contended dancer and an inspiration for others.
Therefore
, to excel in professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, the course of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be chosen
.

To conclude
, an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
education system
is superseded
by a new one in this modern era. It is a belief of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that the youth
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
However
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they should select those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which they find interesting or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
they are best at. In my view, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be studied
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay q2 Which person has helped you the most to get where you are today and how he or she helped you? Use examples to support your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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