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Which person has helped you the most to get where you are today, and how has heor she helped you? Use example to support your response. v.1

Which person has helped you the most to get where you are today, and how has heor she helped you? Use example to support your response. v. 1
As young adults enter college, they are presented with the choice of boarding at school or living with their parents. This essay is going to argue that student accommodation is the optimal choice for undergraduates. This point will be illustrated by looking at how living at home is simply unfeasible for most students, and the benefits accruing from staying in a dormitory. Today, very few students attend a local college or university, thus the idea of them staying at home during school term is implausible. This is particularly valid in developing nations, where most colleges are concentrated in urban centers. Daily commute would be difficult for those who live in rural areas or even suburban residents. To these students, on- campus housing is obviously the more sensible option. For example, in [country], rural citizens tend to move to the city for college and share a dorm room instead of commuting from their residences. The choice of living at school is reinforced by the fact that it fosters personal growth in ways not otherwise possible with living at home. For instance, when boarding at a dormitory, students with discrepant preferences would learn to make compromises. This is not necessary if they live with their parents who are generally more accommodating. In addition, living away from home also teaches students to be more independent, because they must manage their personal finance as well as taking care of their own nutritional needs. In fact, Americans who lived in fraternity houses during college have reported that they became more self-reliant as a result of having to budget and cook for themselves. In conclusion, I strongly believe that it makes more sense for college students to live on campus, for the reasons provided above.
As young adults enter college, they
are presented
with the choice of boarding at school or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
with their parents. This essay is going to argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
accommodation is the optimal choice for undergraduates. This point will
be illustrated
by looking at how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
at home is
simply
unfeasible for most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, and the benefits accruing from staying in a dormitory.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
attend a local college or university,
thus
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of them staying at home during school term is implausible. This is
particularly
valid in developing nations, where most colleges
are concentrated
in urban centers. Daily commute would be difficult for those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in rural areas or even suburban residents. To these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, on- campus housing is
obviously
the more sensible option.
For example
, in [country], rural citizens tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to the city for college and share a dorm room
instead
of commuting from their residences.

The choice of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
at school
is reinforced
by the fact that it fosters personal growth in ways not
otherwise
possible with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
at home.
For instance
, when boarding at a dormitory,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with discrepant preferences would learn to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
compromises. This is not necessary if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their parents who are
generally
more accommodating.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
away from home
also
teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to be more independent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
manage their personal finance
as well
as taking care of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
nutritional needs. In fact, Americans who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in fraternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
during college have reported that they became more self-reliant
as a result
of having to budget and cook for themselves.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion, I
strongly
believe that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
more sense for college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on campus, for the reasons provided above.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Which person has helped you the most to get where you are today, and how has heor she helped you? Use example to support your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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