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q2: when doing a team program, do you prefer to be a leading or supporting member in a group? v.1

q2: when doing a team program, do you prefer to be a leading or supporting member in a group? v. 1
The twenty-first century witness many advances in medicine and treatment findings. Even so, many people believe that these advancements does come at great cost, and investing in prevention methods would be a better way to deal with diseases. This is believe that people have is proven to be the best approach, which will be shown through the existence of the deadly and incurable diseases, and the hassle of going through the sickness and cure process. Firstly, there are many diseases that cost enormous efforts and money without a medicine to be found. For instance, the global health organization stated that after over a decade of research for Aids antidote, Which caused the death of many, none antidote could be found to cure it. That being said, researching is the best method doctors have, but it's not guaranteed way, while preventive methods and some mindfulness from people could have cut the effect of this deadly virus by many times the current patients. Secondly, Although it someone have gotten sick, it while be easy to get a cure it's still could be quite a problem to go through that. For example, a survey done by the American health association found that people who had caught a flu or some other disease before an important meeting of a school exam, have wished if they could have done all the Preventive method they can even if the disease is curable. From this we can understand the need to avoid diseases all together is much more welcomed than just taking a medication. In summary, while finding a medicine for deadly diseases is very important, investing in avoiding sickness in the first place is much more appreciated. Whether if it's a bad time for you to get sick, or if it will alter the course of your life, prevention is always better and is a famous saying goes "a pound spent on prevention is much better than ten pounds spent on treatments".
The twenty-
first
century witness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advances in medicine and treatment findings. Even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that these advancements does
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
at great cost, and investing in prevention
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
methods
would be a better way to deal with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
. This is
Consider using a past participle here: "believed".
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
is proven
to be the best approach, which will
be shown
through the existence of the deadly and incurable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
, and the hassle of going through the sickness and cure process.

Firstly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
that cost enormous efforts and money without a medicine to
be found
.
For instance
, the global health organization stated that after over a decade of research for Aids antidote, Which caused the death of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
, none antidote could
be found
to cure it. That
being said
, researching is the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
method
doctors have,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it's not guaranteed way, while preventive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
methods
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mindfulness from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
the effect of this deadly virus by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
patients.

Secondly
, Although
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'it'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
it someone
The pronoun 'someone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "has", "had".
have
gotten sick, it while be easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a cure it's
still
could be quite a problem to go through that.
For example
, a survey done by the American health association found that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who had caught a flu or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
meeting of a school exam, have wished if they could have done all the Preventive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
method
they can even if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
is curable. From this we can understand the need to avoid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
all together is much more welcomed than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
taking a medication.

In summary, while finding a medicine for deadly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, investing in avoiding sickness in the
first
place is much more appreciated. Whether if it's a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
time for you to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sick, or if it will alter the course of your life, prevention is always better and is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
saying goes
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
a pound spent on prevention is much better than ten pounds spent on treatments
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay q2: when doing a team program, do you prefer to be a leading or supporting member in a group? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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