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Governments should spend more money supporting the arts than supporting athletics such as an Olympic team. v.1

Governments should spend more money supporting the arts than supporting athletics such as an Olympic team. v. 1
It is often argued that music connects humans from different aspects such as cultures, ages and nationalities. I completely agree music plays an essential role of people's live because it is a bridge between people and cultures throughout history. The main reason why I agree that music brings people together is that there is no boundary between ages when it comes to music. Moreover, there are some music bands who are still popular these days, such as Pink Floyd, The Beatles or The Rolling Stones. Furthermore, if kids listen to music that listen parents from childhood, it will bring influence to bear on their music tastes. In brief, all the age groups can feel the harmony of music together and fill the gaps between them. Another reason why music is important in our life is that people from different cultures or different countries can listen to the same song even without understanding the words. Music can reduce the gap between individuals and can connect them from all countries. For instance, there are many festivals and concerts these days, such as Ultra music festival or Tomorrowland. The atmosphere is always fascinating and no one cares about others nationalities because people just enjoy the music. To conclude, I totally agree that music brings people from all over the world together these days despite their nationality and culture. This is because when it comes to music humans forget where they are from and whom they belong the same as what age they are.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
connects humans from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
and nationalities. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
plays an essential role of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is a bridge between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
throughout history.

The main reason why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
together is that there is no boundary between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Moreover
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
bands who are
still
popular these days, such as Pink Floyd, The Beatles or The Rolling Stones.
Furthermore
, if kids listen to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
that listen parents from childhood, it will bring influence to bear on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
tastes.
In brief
, all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups can feel the harmony of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
together and fill the gaps between them.

Another reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in our life is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries can listen to the same song even without understanding the words.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the gap between individuals and can connect them from all countries.
For instance
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
festivals and concerts these days, such as Ultra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
festival or Tomorrowland. The atmosphere is always fascinating and no one cares about others nationalities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
enjoy the music.

To conclude
, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from all over the world together these days despite their nationality and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
humans forget where they are from and whom they belong the same as what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
they are.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Governments should spend more money supporting the arts than supporting athletics such as an Olympic team. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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