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Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
A large number of people are currently opting to share their personal details with tech organizations in return for gaining access rights for various software programs. This essay suggests that the benefit of furnishing these sensitive information do not outweigh the drawbacks because such sharing facilitates data appropriation and there are some companies which provide these software packages for free, in any event. Data appropriation is a form of exploitation because companies use data to create value without reasonably compensating individuals. The personal details of these individuals are used by data brokers who create massive personalized profiles, which are then sold in exchange of humongous amounts of money. These unholy practices enable businesses to build their wealth and power without the headache of providing any indemnification. For example, the New York Times reported in June 2019 that the data broker industry alone generates around $200 billion in annual revenue and not even 1% of it is actually ploughed back to individuals whose personal data is processed. Despite this, there are numerous people who believe that uses of software products are unsustainable without capitulating to every unscrupulous demands of these tech giants, who own these application software. These people say that it is better to comply with the demands rather than lose access completely. To this, I would say that government should step-in and devise policies that debar data appropriators and only allow companies, which provide mutual benefit, to function. For example, companies such as Google and Facebook although collect personal details, pay users back with quite a number of free services. In conclusion, although a greater proportion of individuals might be willing to supply their personal details to tech companies, it enables data appropriation and only corporations ensuring a win-win scenario should be allowed to operate.
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
A large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
currently
opting to share their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
with tech organizations in return for gaining access rights for various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
software
programs. This essay suggests that the benefit of furnishing these sensitive information do not outweigh the drawbacks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
such sharing facilitates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
appropriation and there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
which provide these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
software
packages for free, in any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
.

Data appropriation is a form of exploitation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
to create value without
reasonably
compensating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
brokers who create massive personalized profiles, which are then sold
The usual prepositions to use after "in exchange" is "for" not "of". Did you mean "in exchange for"?
in exchange of
humongous amounts of money. These unholy practices enable businesses to build their wealth and power without the headache of providing any indemnification.
For example
, the New York Times reported in June 2019 that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
broker industry alone generates around $200 billion in annual revenue and not even 1% of it is actually
Possible spelling mistake. 'ploughed' is British English.
ploughed
back to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
is processed
.

Despite this, there are numerous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
software
products are unsustainable without capitulating to every unscrupulous demands of these tech giants, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Did you mean "this application" or "these applications"?
these application
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
software
. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say that it is better to comply with the demands
rather
than lose access completely. To this, I would say that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should step-in and devise policies that debar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
appropriators and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
, which provide mutual benefit, to function.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
such as Google and Facebook although collect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
, pay users back with quite a number of free services.

In conclusion
, although a greater proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
might be willing to supply their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
to tech
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
, it enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
appropriation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
corporations ensuring a win-win scenario should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to operate.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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