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Q: In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? v.2

Q: In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? v. 2
The number of elderly people in many countries experiences a burgeoning increase in the recent decade. In my opinion, there are both positive and negative consequences led by this issue. The increasing number of people over 60-year old might cause social issues. First of all, this will raise the old-age dependency ratio as many elderly people are not financially independent and do not have regular income to fulfil their basic necessity. So, the governments have to support old-age people by providing living allowances and accommodations. If the nations have not unburdened financially on the elderly people, this money can be allocated for other public purposes such as education and technology sector having more impact on the society and nation as a whole. However, the growing number of people over 60-year old indicates the better development of a nation because this defines that the country has a better improvement, especially in the health sector. Take several developed nations such as Japan and French as an example, having more than 15% of the elder population caused by the increasing of life expectancy. This is evidence that they provide the best health services for the public to ensure that the citizens have the best physical well-being as well as can live longer. To sum up, an additional number of older people population in several countries should be considered both negative and positive outcomes. The drawback of this phenomenon is that the government must initiating and funding many programs for the elderly to make sure their well-being, while the merit of this issue is the nations experienced a well-off trend a general.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries experiences a burgeoning increase in the recent decade. In my opinion, there are both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences led by this issue.

The increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
over 60-year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
might cause social issues.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, this will raise the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-age dependency ratio as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not
financially
independent and do not have regular income to fulfil their basic necessity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
support
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by providing living allowances and accommodations. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
have not unburdened
financially
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, this money can
be allocated
for other public purposes such as education and technology sector having more impact on the society and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
as a whole.

However
, the growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
over 60-year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
indicates the better development of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this defines that the country has a better improvement,
especially
in the health sector. Take several developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
such as Japan and French as an example, having more than 15% of the elder population caused by the increasing of life expectancy. This is evidence that they provide the best health services for the public to ensure that the citizens have the best physical well-being
as well
as can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer.

To sum up, an additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
population in several countries should
be considered
both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcomes. The drawback of this phenomenon is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
initiating and funding
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
programs for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure their well-being, while the merit of this issue is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
experienced a well-off trend a general.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Q: In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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