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In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? v.5

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? v. 5
It is undeniably true that the population of the elderly is gradually accelerating due to improvement in science and the medical field. Some believe it is a positive development, in my opinion, this trend has many deleterious effects on society as it increases the burden on a family member and government and less opportunity to youngsters. The first negative impact of increasing life expectancy of the elderly is on both government as well as family. To elucidate, older people require personal care and proper medication from their family. However, they are often being ignored by them due to the weak financial background. Similarly, the government has to spend in the hospital with latest equipped machines and homage to stay for elderly, which means that government has to collect funds from citizens by raising the amount of tax to cover such taxes. Another reason why the life expectancy of the elderly is a negative development is a few job prospects for youngsters. Due to advancement in medical treatment older people work relentlessly in the same company for many years, this resulting in youngsters have less job opportunity. For example, a recent study by the Times of India in March 2019 showed that despite having an international degree, many youngsters are unemployed as the majority of aging people have been working in MNCs’. In conclusion, although the increasing age of the elderly is to be considered a positive trend by some, I believe it is a negative development because not only does it increase pressure on family members and government but also it restricts better job prospects for the young generation.
It is
undeniably
true that the population of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
is
gradually
accelerating due to improvement in science and the medical field.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development, in my opinion, this trend has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
deleterious effects on society as it increases the burden on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
member and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and less opportunity to youngsters.

The
first
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact of increasing life expectancy of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
is on both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. To elucidate, older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
require personal care and proper medication from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
However
, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
by them due to the weak financial background.
Similarly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
spend in the hospital with latest equipped machines and homage to stay for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
, which means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
collect funds from citizens by raising the amount of tax to cover such taxes.

Another reason why the life expectancy of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development is a few job prospects for youngsters. Due to advancement in medical treatment older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
work
relentlessly
in the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years, this resulting in youngsters have less job opportunity.
For example
, a recent study by
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
the Times of India
in March 2019
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that despite having an international degree,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters
are unemployed
as the majority of aging
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have been working in
Possible spelling mistake found.
MNCs
’.

In conclusion
, although the increasing age of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
is to
be considered
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, I believe it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does it increase pressure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it restricts better job prospects for the young generation.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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