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Public celebrations (national days, festivals) are held in many countries. Some people say that these celebrations are a waste of money and we should spend money on more important things. Do you agree or disagree? Give your reasons and examples according v.2

Public celebrations (national days, festivals) are held in many countries. Some people say that these celebrations are a waste of money and we should spend money on more important things. Give your reasons and examples according v. 2
It is true that how the authorities and citizens inject money is a controversial issue. While I accept that they are wasting money to national anniversaries. I believe that their investment are reasonable. On the one hand, I agree that investing in special days or festivals are plentiful. Firstly, irrelevant the state funds allocation are making budget deficit. For example, the Vietnamese budget deficit has been constantly approximate five percents in recent years. Secondly, people spend a lot of money to prepare for on national holidays such as Tet holiday. Having about 10 days off for all people on Tet holiday, they invest in house decoration or traveling plans without working, so that it is a waste of time as well as money. On the other hand, I believe that their injecting money into those events is absolutely relevant. Being organised by a prestigious organisation like the state, commemoration days will not only help citizens remember the fallen sodiers, but also create a chance for the public pay tribute to the people who have contributed to the nation. For instance, The Vietnamese Teacher’s day is the speacial banquet around the country that help students to grateful their teachers. Furthermore, my opinion is that important holidays will be a precious oppoturnity for family members to worship ancestors, entertaining together. Consequently, people could show their respects for previous generations, there by warming up family bond. In conclusion, although there are many arguments in favor of declining investment in national events, I believe that injecting money into them is suitable.
It is true that how the authorities and citizens inject
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a controversial issue.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
I accept that they are wasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to national anniversaries. I believe that their investment are reasonable.

On the one hand, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that investing in special days or festivals are plentiful.
Firstly
, irrelevant the state
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "funds'" or "fund's"?
funds
allocation are making budget deficit.
For example
, the Vietnamese budget deficit has been
constantly
approximate five percents in recent years.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to prepare for on national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
such as Tet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday
. Having about 10 days off for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on Tet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holiday
, they invest in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
decoration or traveling plans without working,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it is a waste of time
as well
as money.

On the other hand
, I believe that their injecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
into those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
is
absolutely
relevant. Being
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
by a prestigious
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
like the state, commemoration days will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
citizens remember the fallen
Possible spelling mistake found.
sodiers
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
create a chance for the public pay tribute to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have contributed to the nation.
For instance
, The Vietnamese Teacher’s day is the
Possible spelling mistake found.
speacial
banquet around the country that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
students to grateful their teachers.
Furthermore
, my opinion is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holidays
will be a precious
Possible spelling mistake found.
oppoturnity
for family members to worship ancestors, entertaining together.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their respects for previous generations, there by warming up family bond.

In conclusion
, although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
arguments in favor of declining investment in national
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, I believe that injecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
into them is suitable.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Public celebrations (national days, festivals) are held in many countries. Some people say that these celebrations are a waste of money and we should spend money on more important things. Give your reasons and examples according v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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