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Is important for public money to be spent on promoting healthy lifestyle to prevent illness than spending money treating people who are ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Is important for public money to be spent on promoting healthy lifestyle to prevent illness than spending money treating people who are ill. v. 2
Nowadays, politician members have been concentrating about how to cure diseases and try to focus on them instead of putting lots of both efforts and budgets on maintaining educational purposes in order to elude disease from happening. As far as I’m concerned, I lean toward this statement and two point of views will be conspicuous in this essay. First and foremost, some people would argue that in order to cope with these circumstances government should provide a considerably amount of budgets on education and increases the knowledge of students. In addition, hiring a sophisticated and well-known teachers would have a vital impact on scholars. Full consensus has been available among people which one the most principal attribute of governments is they should destruct a study underlying of teaching methods and it leads students to remove hurdles at health science as well as invent useful instructions to distinguish every single illnesses. On the other hand, some people have an another perception which believe putting a budget on academic part is trivial and try to elude from this approach. Furthermore, a strong contribution in cure is needed for instance an advanced tools for removing tumors out of the brain or a serious deed to bolster MRI’s system. From my point of view, this kind of perception just puts a strain on subjects because having an sbility to prevent diseases to occur always has an impressive accomplishment rather than cure them. Lack of knowledge about how to prevent some viruses to get spreading is prone nations to go in a destructive way. Overall, it can be seen that if government regards prevention as the most fundamental criteria, it stands to reason that the situations will get better and also avoid society to be deteriorated later on.
Nowadays, politician members have been concentrating about how to cure diseases and try to focus on them
instead
of putting lots of both efforts and budgets on maintaining educational purposes in order to elude disease from happening. As far as I’m concerned, I lean toward this statement and two point of views will be conspicuous in this essay.

First
and foremost,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would argue that in order to cope with these
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "circumstances'" or "circumstance's"?
circumstances
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should provide a
You used an adverb ('considerably') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('amount') instead of another adjective.
considerably amount
of budgets on education and increases the knowledge of students.
In addition
, hiring a sophisticated and well-known teachers would have a vital impact on scholars. Full consensus has been available among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
which one the most principal attribute of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
is they should destruct a study underlying of teaching methods and it leads students to remove hurdles at health science
as well
as invent useful instructions to distinguish every single illnesses.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
One of these determiners is redundant in this context. Choose only one: "a perception" or "another perception".
an another perception
which believe putting a budget on academic part is trivial and try to elude from this approach.
Furthermore
, a strong contribution in cure
is needed
for instance
an advanced
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "tool"?
tools
for removing tumors out of the brain or a serious deed to bolster MRI’s system. From my point of view, this kind of perception
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
puts a strain on subjects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
having
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
Possible spelling mistake found.
sbility
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
diseases to occur always has an impressive accomplishment
rather
than cure them. Lack of knowledge about how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
viruses to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
spreading is prone nations to go
Consider replacing "in a destructive way" with the adverb for "destructive"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a destructive way
.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
regards prevention as the most fundamental criteria, it stands to reason that the situations will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better and
also
avoid society to
be deteriorated
later on.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Is important for public money to be spent on promoting healthy lifestyle to prevent illness than spending money treating people who are ill. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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